The LFR Drinking Game 5.0

man oh man, you guys have totally got to GIS “costume pugs”

Hi folks. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s get down to business.

The old LFR drinking game is horribly outdated. It needs updating. Wait a minute, wouldn’t the opposite of “outdated” be “indated”? And “updating” would be the opposite of “downdating.” THESE ARE WORDS? WHAT IS GOING ON.

Also, due to the tragic deaths of a guild in South Dakota after their attempts to complete my original drinking game, I am now legally obligated to severely reduce the number of reasons to drink to make the game more “realistic.” Realistic for who, a fucking pussy? Anyways, if you want to play “LFR Classic Crunksauce Drunkboss Mode” then just quadruple all of the given values for how many drinks you should take. LET’S GO!!!

Dwindling Tentaclechins: Why the Naaru should be evil, part 3/4

cuz everyone knows horns and goatees are evil

Dwindling Tentaclechins: Why the Naaru should be evil, part 1/4

cuz fuck ’em that’s why

News Bulletin: IT Companies Around The Globe Forced To Schedule “Dark Days”

Fiscal September will come to a very strange close for many IT companies who collectively announced today that they would go dark in the last week of the month. A spokesperson for IBM gave the following statement, nearly identical to statements given by upwards of ten thousand different companies worldwide:

Unusually, over ninety percent of our techs have requested time off during this week of the year. We typically handle our requests for time off in a simple “first come first serve” manner, but when we began telling our employees that we couldn’t fulfill their requests they began raving and violently thrashing about our offices. We were concerned at first, but when we realized how many of our peers in the industry were experiencing the same thing we realized it would just be best to just let them take the week off.

A spokesperson for Symantec detailed their rationale for the decision:

Honestly, it works out best for our company. Our employees have vacation time that they are entitled to. Going dark for this week, during a relatively slow period of business in the year, allows us to ensure that our staff will be at optimal efficiency going into what is sure to be another very profitable fourth quarter.

EMC Corporation gave the following statement as well:

This event is eerily similar to what we went through during the second week of fiscal December back in 2010, when the majority of our employees all called out sick during the exact same days. We never discovered the exact reasoning behind the mass unavailability of our employees, but considering that it had little to no effect on our business we’re really not too concerned with going dark between September 23 and September 28.

We highly recommend checking any networks that you or your company uses prior to these dates, as finding a support technician will be very difficult during this time. We are doubtful that we’ll learn what is going on behind these strange occurrences, but we’ll be sure to get that information to you if it ever becomes available.

Blizzard Announces Plans To Just Fucking Release A Goddamn Difficulty Slider Already

In a press conference held earlier today, Blizzard President Mike Morhaime announced their latest plans to “just fucking release a goddamn difficulty slider already” for their popular online video game, The World of Warcraft.

We’re tired of this shit. Half of you fuckers are like “this is too easy” and the other half of you are saying “this shit’s too hard” and we’re just standing here looking like a bunch of goddamn assholes because you fuckers can’t make up your minds. We’re tired of it. We’re fucking done with it.

Later that day, the latest patch for the beta version of their next expansion, The Mists of Pandaria, included an early prototype of the difficulty adjustment option.

So we’re gonna test some shit out on the beta where you can pick from ten different difficulties. It’s not enough. We know it’s not, that would just be retarded. You know how many people play this game? I don’t have the numbers here but it’s probably more than the population of the fucking city you live in. You think ten difficulty settings is enough for that many assholes? We’re just gonna test this shit out with ten and then if it works we’re gonna throw in a percentage slider thingy so you can pick from a hundred difficulty settings.

Morhaime explained that they receive fan criticism on a daily basis and that they’re hoping this new system will quell some of the most common complaints directed at raid difficulty.

Not a single one of you fuckers is gonna be able to say shit. You want easy? You got easy. You want hard? You got hard. You want something in between? You got something in between. YOU. CAN’T. SAY. SHIT. FUCKERS.

The Blizzard president went on to explain that each level of difficulty would result in players being able to obtain progressively better levels of gear. For example, difficulty level 5 would drop items of level 485, difficulty 15 would drop 495, difficulty 40 would drop 520, and so on and so forth.

That oughta keep you twats busy. And you know what? We’re gonna make level 100 so goddamn impossible that not a single one of you sponsored fuckers is gonna be able to beat it. Actually, check this shit out: if you can beat level 100 then you get to be Blizzard president. What? Yeah, I just fucking did that. Come at me.

When asked if Blizzard had any plans to change the “Raid Finder” version introduced in their previous expansion, Morhaime responded:

LFR is a bag of dicks. And if you’re doing nothing but LFR… well, quite frankly, a bag of dicks is where you belong. We’re just gonna take out the item level restrictions and the “once a week” loot limit and make it a shitty cesspit where you go to drown in buckets of green quality gear and semen. We’re hoping this will result in making the system as big a bag of dicks as we originally intended it to be.

The Best Gold Farming Spot in Diablo 3 aka Diablo III

Ok folks, I’ve discovered the best way to farm gold in D3 and what’s even better is that you DON’T EVEN HAVE TO FIGHT ANY MONSTERS.

In Act 3, there is a little clickable chest in this spot of Bastion’s Keep Stronghold:

Wait, hold on let me get all these zombies out of the way.

Top 5 Cataclysm Content I’ll Miss When Mists Comes Out

5. That awesome Icecrown farming spot

Believe it or not, this picture was taken by a bird!

When the Argent Tournament first sprang to life, it added a couple of little daily quest areas. Once of these areas was Deathspeaker’s Watch and it was filled with tons of level 85 mobs. Nothing too special about it.

Fast forward to nowzers. You’ve got the annoying quest to collect 250 ears for the Darkmoon Faire and you’ve got random holidays where you can farm kills for holiday currencies of sorts. You know what area is perfect for that? That’s right, it’s the dang Deathspeaker’s Watch. These level 85 mobs are just barely at the cutoff to give XP and so they melt like a stick of butter getting hit by a beam of fire from the moon. The arrival of Mists will mean that these mobs will be too low level to be killworthy at all 😦

4. Stranglethorn Arena Master & Fishing Extravaganza

 

Zero fishies?!?!

When Blizzard goes through with their “Low-Level Zone Merging” program will it mean that I have to compete with the entire WORLD if I want to win a Stranglethorn Arena Master Trinket?!?!?! Will it mean that the entire WORLD is gonna be gunnin’ for my pools of tastyfishies?!?!?!?! 😥

3. Getting to hang out in Dalaran again

Dalaran: Azeroth’s largest congregation of magic users and elephant turds.

Cataclysm meant that nobody had to hang out in Northrend again. Which meant that I would not drop down to 3 frames per hour every time I tried to enter Dalaran because everybody was riding in a goddamn mammoth train around the city. Which meant that I could safely hang out there again without destroying my computer because it’s the coolest city ever. Unfortunately, Mists will require me to hang out in some Pandarian city so that I can have easy enough access to all that new continent stuff 😦

2. The “Thrall’s Balls” Quote

😦

1. Icecrown Citadel

My guildies call him “The Lunch King” because seriously he needs to watch his cholesterol.

When ICC first came out, it was right around the time that I was first starting to raid more seriously. It was fun, and we eventually got the Lich King down, but we were by no means “great” raiders and so we had no chance of getting most of the achievements or heroic content downed. Regardless, it was a really fun, well-designed instance. So now that we’re all 85 and well practiced, ICC is really fun to go back to. It’s super easy so there’s not much risk of death, unless you completely ignore the mechanincs and keep your group disorganized, so you still get all those nostalgic feelings from when you were first running the place.

I fear that once Mists comes out, we’ll all outgear ICC way too much and it’ll lose that perfect balance of difficulty to nostalgia 😦

I Have Discovered The Perfect Healthy Food For People That Are Trying To Stop Being Unhealthy But Also Don’t Want To Put Effort Into Cooking & Cleaning Up

Two words motherfuckers: Baked. Fish.

Step 1: The Tools

Get a baking pan or tray and some tinfoil. There are your supplies. THAT’S IT. I have maybe attached a picture of the pan that I use below or maybe just one like it, it doesn’t matter.

I use a brand called omg who the fuck cares just get some fucking pan.

If you’re slightly more civilized, you could maybe get a spatula or something, but seriously that shit doesn’t matter. You have hands and those are damn good enough.

Step 2: The Fish

Fish is A) good for you, B) delicious, and C) easy to manipulate into being whatever you want it to be because it’s your bitch.

My favorite fish is salmon. Here’s a picture of it just because I want to put more pictures in this post:

That green stuff on top is bullshit. You don’t need that.

It has a nice flavor to it, HOWEVER I understand that some people do not like this flavor. In those cases I would like to propose that you try this super cheap to buy fish called Tilapia:

This looks so ballin’.

Tilapia is what I would call a “boring loser fish” because it has such little flavor. Sometimes that’s a good thing because it means you can get more creative and add some badass flavors that you would never even dream of adding to other fish. I’ll get to that later.

Anyways, those are my two favorites, you can also experiment with other fish. I’m gonna pretend like I’m a super fish expert right now by just listing a bunch of different fish names I’ve heard and that I don’t know anything about: Trout, Swordfish, Mackerel, Fillet Mignon, Tuna, Walter, Shark, and Dolphin.

Step 3: The Flavor (aka The Flava)

This part is hella fun and makes you feel like you’re a real professional chef. Just go buy some cool looking seasonings, spices, and sauces. Oh hey, let’s call them The Three S’s. The most important thing here is to buy stuff that you think you would like and then to just play around with it. Some of the basic flavors that I would recommend are Lemon Pepper, Non-Lemon Pepper (aka Pepper), Soy Sauce, Teriyaki Sauce, Herbs de Provence, and Basil. There’s tons more, but that’s just the stuff I like to personally always keep. As far as more unique flavors go, here are some specific brands of S’s that I really like. But for the love of god, please don’t try and mix ten different flavors together like you’re some kind of seven-year old at a soda fountain.

Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning – This stuff is so good. I prefer to get the lower sodium version because it’s healthier.

EVERYTHING.

DaKine Hawaiian Da Rub – I got the”smokey” one and it has a real nice combination of coffee flavor and barbecue smokiness. Ignore the stupid name.

Sexy seasonings modeling on the beach. Hot stuff.

Huli Huli Sauce – Imagine if Soy Sauce was sweet instead of salty. Did I just blow your mind?

[Insert Another Joke]

Bronco Bob’s Roasted Raspberry Chipotle Sauce – The back of the bottle recommends using this with Salmon, but I did not like the way it tasted. On Tilapia it was great though. I wouldn’t really recommend mixing this with other stuff since it’s got such a unique flavor on it’s own.

Also it’s from Texas so bonus points for that.

Step 4: The Mix

So put the tinfoil on the pan. Make sure it creeps up onto the walls of the pan and covers all of the bottom. This is to ensure that you have to do as little work as possible when this is all over. Oh, you should probably preheat the oven when you start this part so that it’s ready to go when you’re done. Just make it somewhere between 350 and 400 degrees fahrenheit. Some people will tell you that it matters but they are wrong because it doesn’t fucking matter.

Slap the fish onto the pan (you may have to defrost it first if you keep it in the freezer like I do). I usually make two at a time, side by side. That way I can eat one and then save the other one for lunch the next day or something.

Slap whichever of The Three S’s you decided on, onto the fish. This is the part where you’re actually doing something chef-like. It’s so much fun I can’t even tell you how fun it is. Just wait til you try it and you feel all badass and chefy. Sometimes you can even say “Bam!” and pretend you’re Alton Brown.

Step 5: The Burn

Put the pan in the oven. Leave it there for about 10 minutes or something. I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. If you take it out and you’re thinking to yourself “oh dang this looks too undercooked” you can just put it back in for a bit. If you’re thinking “oh dang this thing just needs a tiny bit more cooking” you can even just wrap the excess tin foil over the fish and just let it sit there and cook a little longer with it’s own heat. Boy howdy, the wonders of tinfoil! Boy, I tell ya what.

Step 6: The Clean Up

Fuck forks. Fuck plates. You pick that fish up with your hands and you wolf it straight down through your mouth hole. If you really want to use a plate and fork then okay, but I’m warning you that you are going to have more things to clean up afterwards and that is NOT what this walkthrough is all about my friends. This is a speed run, not some fucker on GameFAQs trying to tell you how to collect every red coin/health container/magic sword.

Once the fish is off the pan, you’re gonna take that foil and just lift it straight out of the pan. If you’re using a plate like an idiot, you can take the excess juice from the foil and drip it onto your fish and that makes it taste so much better because you’re getting that extra bit of flavor. It’s really good and adds that little extra bit of moisture to the fish which I prefer. Not that I’d know, of course, because I never use a plate. I’m a wolf. A dang wolf, okay?

Then you can fold up the foil, careful not to get the pan dirty, and just throw it in the trash. AND YOU’RE DONE. Holy shit, that’s it? What about the pan? The pan stays clean most of the time, but I usually give it a quick little rinse with hot water just to be safe. But seriously, that’s it. My favorite part is that it’s faster than driving to get any fast food so I spend much less money on food and also did I mention that “Bam!” part? Plus healthiness and calories and blah blah blah whatever.

Oh uhh… this post was about druids, here’s a druid:

Wolfing that fish down. No, no. Bearing that wolf down. No wait. Bworfing that fish down. Yeah.

A Short Thesis on the “Free Love” Sexuality of the Pandaren Race

What do we know about the Pandaren?

We know that, until our arrival, they had successfully created a society that was devoid of all hatred, all anger, all fear. Their culture is one with absolutely no negativity, a utopia of sorts. However this utopia was born out of necessity. The Sha that infested the lands sprang up whenever negativity was nearby. Utopia or death… the choice was simple.

But what does it really mean to live in a land with no negativity? And how does that relate to sexuality?

Think for a moment about your own life and all of the negativity associated with modern relationships. Fear, jealousy, rejection, disappointment. Every single one of you has felt one of those emotions at some point in your life as a result of a relationship. Of course, there are plenty of positive things that we can associate with them, but in this case it’s not the amount of positive that matters, it’s the simple existence of any negativity whatsoever.

If the Sha existed in our world, we’d be dead from gender and sexuality before you started factoring in any other source of negativity.

So what do the Pandaren do? They completely redefine relationships. There is no marriage. No courting process. Everyone just loves everyone. They’re all willing and able to have sexual relations with another at any given moment.

This is the only way they know how to do things. It’s just been passed on from generation to generation to generation and it’s all ingrained into their systems at this point.

Perhaps we can imagine Pandaria to be much like Huxley’s Brave New World. A world in which people are not reprimanded for open sexuality, but instead they are praised for it. Take this passage from the book for example:

Nodding, “He patted me on the behind this afternoon,” said Lenina.

“There, you see!” Fanny was triumphant. “That shows what he stands for. The strictest conventionality.”

You can see from the way Lenina and Fanny speak about a male’s actions shows us how people would be expected to behave in a utopia such as Pandaria. People would be upset if you didn’t compliment them on their beauty at every turn.

This is why I am very upset about a certain character named Ji Firepaw that currently exists on the beta.

Currently he says to male players: “You’ve got a strong look to you! I bet you’re all the rage with the ladies!” To female players he says: “You’re some kind of gorgeous, aren’t you? I bet you can’t keep the men off of you!”

Wow! This is perfect! If we are to believe that the Pandaren live in a utopia with absolutely no negativity then this line really does a lot to help us solidify this. Women are crazy about men! Men are crazy about women! Everybody loves to sleep with everybody! Men will compliment other men on their prowess because there is no jealousy! That is exactly how things would work in their society. I love the raw honesty Blizzard, it’s wonderful.

But here’s what’s really bothering me. It just doesn’t seem… equal. We could really have used a strong female character showing us the female perspective. After all, the only thing we’re really seeing right now is the male’s perspective. We really need to get both sides of things to get a full picture of Pandaren society.

Here’s my proposal. Add in a character named Mui Swiftpaw. To female characters she should say: “Oh, honey! You look absolutely stunning! That milkshake of yours is gonna bring all the boys to the yard!” And to male characters she should say: “Hubba hubba. What brings you around tall, dark & handsome?”

This is really necessary. Otherwise some people who jump to conclusions too quickly won’t even consider the Pandaren way of life and they might just get upset when they think this is one male character’s viewpoint and not the entire culture. Some of them also forget that you’re just a company that’s writing a fictional story and they invest so much of their lives into the game that they forget there’s even a distinction. I know we sometimes forget about people like that, but with a game as popular as yours that’s filled with such a variety of people, there’s bound to be a few of them.

And don’t even think of taking that line out. Ji wouldn’t be in character if you did that.

MA Meeting Transcript

-Okay then. Who wants to get us started?

-Umm, I’ll go. If that’s go okay.

-Absolutely.

-Ok well. Umm. As you all know… well… as most of you know… oh, I guess I should introduce myself. Hehe. I’m Terry… hi. Anyways,  about four months ago I started working on a new set. I had decided I was going to farm the TK 5-mans to try and get that rare axe to drop. I already had it for my main, but I wanted it on one of my alts. Well, anyways. I was running through and this chest I’d never seen before dropped. The Jade-Skull Breastplate. Oh, it was great. I didn’t know how I’d never noticed it before. This really nice shade of green. The weird logo on the chest. I kinda thought it would be good for a cool super villain set, you know? I completely forgot about the axe and starting putting together a set built around the chest. After I had it just perfect, I got my shopping list together and started to get that first little rush. God, it was gonna look so good. Like something to really be proud of. I started to feel that rush even more as I went around collecting the pieces. You know that rush? When you get that second piece, and that third piece. Each one giving you a little bit more. After five or six and it’s all starting to come together… mmmmm that’s the best. When you’re so close you can feel it. Some of the pieces took a little longer to get, needed a bit more farming. A heroic on a daily timer here. A weekly raid there. But that just made the rush feel even better when I finally got it. God, it feels so good. When you put that piece on and you’re actually wearing it on your character. It’s not just on a model viewer, you’re actually walking around with it. Most people don’t understand that feeling, but for me… god, it’s the best. Oh no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t really be talking like that here.

-It’s okay, let it out.

-Well. Anyways, there was this helm. The Helm of the Faceless. From 25-man Vezax. It was perfect. It was the last piece that I needed. I got so excited when I started getting that first Ulduar group together. We went all the way through to the end, did a few hard modes here and there just for shiggles. Of course, it didn’t drop that first week. I laughed and shrugged it off. The second time was no big deal either. But then that third, fourth time. It really starts to get to you. You keep taking the time to farm for it and just keeps refusing to drop. It just starts gnawing at you, you know? I really started to lose my patience. We kept doing it over and over again and still no helm. I don’t know how long it had actually been. Probably only 9 or 10 weeks, but it felt like it had been forever. I was really starting to get pissed off. Getting tired of putting runs together just so we could get all the way through to the end, only to have the helm not drop?  All for nothing. And it was getting harder and harder to put groups together, too. In the beginning we could get people to come in for achievements they might have been missing. But after a while, people stopped caring. Even my guildies weren’t coming. I spent more time recruiting for the raid and making sure people would show up than I actually did inside the raid instance. It was taking over, it became an obsession. I was skipping guild raids, I even missed some runway events… all just so I could keep recruiting. It got to a point where I couldn’t even claim it was for achievements anymore. I’d just be paying people to come in and help fill my raid… all for a single mog piece. My friends, my guildies, they were getting worried about me. One of them suggested I try this place. And it’s really helped.

*deep breath*

-You can do it.

-With your help, I’m really proud to say that it’s been six weeks now that I have not run Ulduar. I haven’t done a single retro raid or heroic, actually. I’m six weeks completely farm free.

*applause*

-I… I still do some mogging, though. Like, I still play around with pieces that I already have. But I’m not really searching for new pieces anymore.

-Hey, that’s okay. It’s a big step in the right direction.

-Yeah. The other day… there was a nice green that dropped while I was doing some dailies. I thought to myself that I could make kind of a neat “sword for hire” type of mog set out of it. But then I stopped myself. I knew that the guild bank needed more mats and so I actually just mailed it off to one of our guild enchanters. I didn’t have the heart to DE it myself, but I knew it would get done. It hurt a little bit on the inside, but I know that I made the right choice. I wasn’t hurting my guild anymore. I was actually helping them by contributing. In fact, the time I’ve saved by not farming, I’ve been able to help fill the bank with flasks to last us for two months worth of raiding. Including alt raids.

*applause*

-Come over here, pick up your Six Week No-Farm Chip.

*applause, tears*

-Okay then, who wants to go next? Oh, I think I see a new face in the back there. How about you? It’s okay, don’t be shy. We’re all friends here.

-Umm, okay. I’ve never really done this before. I don’t know what I should be saying.

-That’s okay. Why don’t you start by telling us your name?

-Oh, uh, okay. Hi. My name’s Jay.

-And?

-And… I’m… I’m a mogaholic.

*applause*

-Tell us your story, Jay.