A Short Thesis on the “Free Love” Sexuality of the Pandaren Race

What do we know about the Pandaren?

We know that, until our arrival, they had successfully created a society that was devoid of all hatred, all anger, all fear. Their culture is one with absolutely no negativity, a utopia of sorts. However this utopia was born out of necessity. The Sha that infested the lands sprang up whenever negativity was nearby. Utopia or death… the choice was simple.

But what does it really mean to live in a land with no negativity? And how does that relate to sexuality?

Think for a moment about your own life and all of the negativity associated with modern relationships. Fear, jealousy, rejection, disappointment. Every single one of you has felt one of those emotions at some point in your life as a result of a relationship. Of course, there are plenty of positive things that we can associate with them, but in this case it’s not the amount of positive that matters, it’s the simple existence of any negativity whatsoever.

If the Sha existed in our world, we’d be dead from gender and sexuality before you started factoring in any other source of negativity.

So what do the Pandaren do? They completely redefine relationships. There is no marriage. No courting process. Everyone just loves everyone. They’re all willing and able to have sexual relations with another at any given moment.

This is the only way they know how to do things. It’s just been passed on from generation to generation to generation and it’s all ingrained into their systems at this point.

Perhaps we can imagine Pandaria to be much like Huxley’s Brave New World. A world in which people are not reprimanded for open sexuality, but instead they are praised for it. Take this passage from the book for example:

Nodding, “He patted me on the behind this afternoon,” said Lenina.

“There, you see!” Fanny was triumphant. “That shows what he stands for. The strictest conventionality.”

You can see from the way Lenina and Fanny speak about a male’s actions shows us how people would be expected to behave in a utopia such as Pandaria. People would be upset if you didn’t compliment them on their beauty at every turn.

This is why I am very upset about a certain character named Ji Firepaw that currently exists on the beta.

Currently he says to male players: “You’ve got a strong look to you! I bet you’re all the rage with the ladies!” To female players he says: “You’re some kind of gorgeous, aren’t you? I bet you can’t keep the men off of you!”

Wow! This is perfect! If we are to believe that the Pandaren live in a utopia with absolutely no negativity then this line really does a lot to help us solidify this. Women are crazy about men! Men are crazy about women! Everybody loves to sleep with everybody! Men will compliment other men on their prowess because there is no jealousy! That is exactly how things would work in their society. I love the raw honesty Blizzard, it’s wonderful.

But here’s what’s really bothering me. It just doesn’t seem… equal. We could really have used a strong female character showing us the female perspective. After all, the only thing we’re really seeing right now is the male’s perspective. We really need to get both sides of things to get a full picture of Pandaren society.

Here’s my proposal. Add in a character named Mui Swiftpaw. To female characters she should say: “Oh, honey! You look absolutely stunning! That milkshake of yours is gonna bring all the boys to the yard!” And to male characters she should say: “Hubba hubba. What brings you around tall, dark & handsome?”

This is really necessary. Otherwise some people who jump to conclusions too quickly won’t even consider the Pandaren way of life and they might just get upset when they think this is one male character’s viewpoint and not the entire culture. Some of them also forget that you’re just a company that’s writing a fictional story and they invest so much of their lives into the game that they forget there’s even a distinction. I know we sometimes forget about people like that, but with a game as popular as yours that’s filled with such a variety of people, there’s bound to be a few of them.

And don’t even think of taking that line out. Ji wouldn’t be in character if you did that.

I Just Wrote A New Movie Called “Get These Bees Out Of My House!”

It’s a Thanksgiving movie. It starts on the morning of Thanksgiving and it’s about a family that’s getting ready for the family to come over. The leading man has to be someone funny that you can also feel sorry for. Like a Kevin James or a Michael Ian Black or something. And he has to make sure that everything is PERFECT because his in-laws already don’t like him and they wanted to host Thanksgiving.

So in the morning his scrappy young son is playing with his machinery in the backyard (this will appeal to the Home Alone crowd). He’s waging a war on one of the neighbors dogs or something but something malfunctions and a hive of bees gets catapulted into the house.

Oh no!

So the house is filled with bees. Wow. What a premise, I know.

They spend the next few hours trying to get back into the house and get the bees out.

Oh, also the neighbors are weird and the main guy’s rival. It could be a Zach Galifawhatever or a Jim Rash or something.

This guy turns out to be their greatest ally in getting rid of the bees.

So then one by one the family shows up and they all join the fight to clear the house of bees.

Little by little, the house gets destroyed with every failed attempt. And just wait until the big scene at the end. It’s a big surprise so I don’t want to ruin it, but it’s going to be AMAZING.

Let’s get this movie made everybody.

MA Meeting Transcript

-Okay then. Who wants to get us started?

-Umm, I’ll go. If that’s go okay.

-Absolutely.

-Ok well. Umm. As you all know… well… as most of you know… oh, I guess I should introduce myself. Hehe. I’m Terry… hi. Anyways,  about four months ago I started working on a new set. I had decided I was going to farm the TK 5-mans to try and get that rare axe to drop. I already had it for my main, but I wanted it on one of my alts. Well, anyways. I was running through and this chest I’d never seen before dropped. The Jade-Skull Breastplate. Oh, it was great. I didn’t know how I’d never noticed it before. This really nice shade of green. The weird logo on the chest. I kinda thought it would be good for a cool super villain set, you know? I completely forgot about the axe and starting putting together a set built around the chest. After I had it just perfect, I got my shopping list together and started to get that first little rush. God, it was gonna look so good. Like something to really be proud of. I started to feel that rush even more as I went around collecting the pieces. You know that rush? When you get that second piece, and that third piece. Each one giving you a little bit more. After five or six and it’s all starting to come together… mmmmm that’s the best. When you’re so close you can feel it. Some of the pieces took a little longer to get, needed a bit more farming. A heroic on a daily timer here. A weekly raid there. But that just made the rush feel even better when I finally got it. God, it feels so good. When you put that piece on and you’re actually wearing it on your character. It’s not just on a model viewer, you’re actually walking around with it. Most people don’t understand that feeling, but for me… god, it’s the best. Oh no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t really be talking like that here.

-It’s okay, let it out.

-Well. Anyways, there was this helm. The Helm of the Faceless. From 25-man Vezax. It was perfect. It was the last piece that I needed. I got so excited when I started getting that first Ulduar group together. We went all the way through to the end, did a few hard modes here and there just for shiggles. Of course, it didn’t drop that first week. I laughed and shrugged it off. The second time was no big deal either. But then that third, fourth time. It really starts to get to you. You keep taking the time to farm for it and just keeps refusing to drop. It just starts gnawing at you, you know? I really started to lose my patience. We kept doing it over and over again and still no helm. I don’t know how long it had actually been. Probably only 9 or 10 weeks, but it felt like it had been forever. I was really starting to get pissed off. Getting tired of putting runs together just so we could get all the way through to the end, only to have the helm not drop?  All for nothing. And it was getting harder and harder to put groups together, too. In the beginning we could get people to come in for achievements they might have been missing. But after a while, people stopped caring. Even my guildies weren’t coming. I spent more time recruiting for the raid and making sure people would show up than I actually did inside the raid instance. It was taking over, it became an obsession. I was skipping guild raids, I even missed some runway events… all just so I could keep recruiting. It got to a point where I couldn’t even claim it was for achievements anymore. I’d just be paying people to come in and help fill my raid… all for a single mog piece. My friends, my guildies, they were getting worried about me. One of them suggested I try this place. And it’s really helped.

*deep breath*

-You can do it.

-With your help, I’m really proud to say that it’s been six weeks now that I have not run Ulduar. I haven’t done a single retro raid or heroic, actually. I’m six weeks completely farm free.

*applause*

-I… I still do some mogging, though. Like, I still play around with pieces that I already have. But I’m not really searching for new pieces anymore.

-Hey, that’s okay. It’s a big step in the right direction.

-Yeah. The other day… there was a nice green that dropped while I was doing some dailies. I thought to myself that I could make kind of a neat “sword for hire” type of mog set out of it. But then I stopped myself. I knew that the guild bank needed more mats and so I actually just mailed it off to one of our guild enchanters. I didn’t have the heart to DE it myself, but I knew it would get done. It hurt a little bit on the inside, but I know that I made the right choice. I wasn’t hurting my guild anymore. I was actually helping them by contributing. In fact, the time I’ve saved by not farming, I’ve been able to help fill the bank with flasks to last us for two months worth of raiding. Including alt raids.

*applause*

-Come over here, pick up your Six Week No-Farm Chip.

*applause, tears*

-Okay then, who wants to go next? Oh, I think I see a new face in the back there. How about you? It’s okay, don’t be shy. We’re all friends here.

-Umm, okay. I’ve never really done this before. I don’t know what I should be saying.

-That’s okay. Why don’t you start by telling us your name?

-Oh, uh, okay. Hi. My name’s Jay.

-And?

-And… I’m… I’m a mogaholic.

*applause*

-Tell us your story, Jay.

The April Fool’s Day Post

There is no April Fool’s Day post.