A Short Thesis on the “Free Love” Sexuality of the Pandaren Race

What do we know about the Pandaren?

We know that, until our arrival, they had successfully created a society that was devoid of all hatred, all anger, all fear. Their culture is one with absolutely no negativity, a utopia of sorts. However this utopia was born out of necessity. The Sha that infested the lands sprang up whenever negativity was nearby. Utopia or death… the choice was simple.

But what does it really mean to live in a land with no negativity? And how does that relate to sexuality?

Think for a moment about your own life and all of the negativity associated with modern relationships. Fear, jealousy, rejection, disappointment. Every single one of you has felt one of those emotions at some point in your life as a result of a relationship. Of course, there are plenty of positive things that we can associate with them, but in this case it’s not the amount of positive that matters, it’s the simple existence of any negativity whatsoever.

If the Sha existed in our world, we’d be dead from gender and sexuality before you started factoring in any other source of negativity.

So what do the Pandaren do? They completely redefine relationships. There is no marriage. No courting process. Everyone just loves everyone. They’re all willing and able to have sexual relations with another at any given moment.

This is the only way they know how to do things. It’s just been passed on from generation to generation to generation and it’s all ingrained into their systems at this point.

Perhaps we can imagine Pandaria to be much like Huxley’s Brave New World. A world in which people are not reprimanded for open sexuality, but instead they are praised for it. Take this passage from the book for example:

Nodding, “He patted me on the behind this afternoon,” said Lenina.

“There, you see!” Fanny was triumphant. “That shows what he stands for. The strictest conventionality.”

You can see from the way Lenina and Fanny speak about a male’s actions shows us how people would be expected to behave in a utopia such as Pandaria. People would be upset if you didn’t compliment them on their beauty at every turn.

This is why I am very upset about a certain character named Ji Firepaw that currently exists on the beta.

Currently he says to male players: “You’ve got a strong look to you! I bet you’re all the rage with the ladies!” To female players he says: “You’re some kind of gorgeous, aren’t you? I bet you can’t keep the men off of you!”

Wow! This is perfect! If we are to believe that the Pandaren live in a utopia with absolutely no negativity then this line really does a lot to help us solidify this. Women are crazy about men! Men are crazy about women! Everybody loves to sleep with everybody! Men will compliment other men on their prowess because there is no jealousy! That is exactly how things would work in their society. I love the raw honesty Blizzard, it’s wonderful.

But here’s what’s really bothering me. It just doesn’t seem… equal. We could really have used a strong female character showing us the female perspective. After all, the only thing we’re really seeing right now is the male’s perspective. We really need to get both sides of things to get a full picture of Pandaren society.

Here’s my proposal. Add in a character named Mui Swiftpaw. To female characters she should say: “Oh, honey! You look absolutely stunning! That milkshake of yours is gonna bring all the boys to the yard!” And to male characters she should say: “Hubba hubba. What brings you around tall, dark & handsome?”

This is really necessary. Otherwise some people who jump to conclusions too quickly won’t even consider the Pandaren way of life and they might just get upset when they think this is one male character’s viewpoint and not the entire culture. Some of them also forget that you’re just a company that’s writing a fictional story and they invest so much of their lives into the game that they forget there’s even a distinction. I know we sometimes forget about people like that, but with a game as popular as yours that’s filled with such a variety of people, there’s bound to be a few of them.

And don’t even think of taking that line out. Ji wouldn’t be in character if you did that.

Panda Jizz On My Legs and My Arms From You

Once you’ve heard it, you can’t unhear it.

Man, I can’t wait to roll (lol) onto an RP server and fuck a panda and a naga AT THE SAME TIME.

Panda jizz gonna be flying everywhere.

Pandanalysis: What’s a panda do, probably?

I mean we can only theorize.

My assertion is that probably they will be big and fluffy I think.

Obviously eucalyptus will also most likely be involved. They gonna eats it. Oh they’ll cook too and could potentially use it as an ingredient? That would be a good idea. Somebody page Blizzard to this thread cause I’ve got some ideas and theories that they really need to hear. But like, only if they don’t have better ideas, right?

The storyline would be cool if it started with an act of kindness from Garrosh to the pandas.

I know what you’re thinking here. You’re all like “kindness from grosh whaaaaat lmao” but actually it will be an attempt at him trying to better himself. That would be a cool storyline.

But so like… so, umm the… wait hold on, let me think how this is gonna work.

So the pandas are also really good people. Like super good. And also not people, you know, they’re pandas. But then instead of being nice back to Thrall they… wait, I mean Garrosh. Instead of being nice back to Garrosh they accidentally have a miscommunication or something and they think Thrall is… wait, I did it again. They think Garrosh is posing an immediate threat so they kick his butt and throw him out.

So Thrall…

Gimme a second, I need to stop doing that.

…

Okay.

So Garrosh feels all rejected and he tries to make up for it by being an even gooder person. But it’s like, both sides keep misconstruing his actions and he just goes further and further into this massive downward spiral. Then it just drives him so crazy that he decides to be the best person he can be and that he should do the best thing possible to make people love him the most. So he decides he’s gonna love all the pandas. He’s just gonna love them all so so much and he’s gonna be basically kidnapping them and keeping them as slaves but in his head he’ll be thinking “these pandas are totally the luckiest to have me keeping them because I love these pandas so much and now they’re safe and they’ll have me forever.” That kind of sounds like The Ice King from Adventure Time and yeah it’s basically that same archetype. So the Horde and the Alliance are like “oh man, that Garrosh has gone BONKERS dudes, we need to shut down his crib and save all those panda girls he’s been holding up in there.”

They didn’t say it all at once and in unison. That would be weird. I was just giving you a quick little synopsis of the general conclusion that they reached at the end of some discussion.

Oh man though, can we just picture that for a second. Everyone in the Horde and Alliance stops what they’re doing for 5 seconds, and all at once they read that line out loud. How crazyballs would that be?

Anyways, that’s my theory/hope/suggestion/pandanalysis of the SHOCKING news we received about the Thrall ra… about the GARROSH raid.

Damn it.

Blizzcon 2011 Live: Impressions From the Pre-Alpha

Yesterday we got a chance to play the pre-alpha version of Mists of Pandaria. No screenshots were able to be taken of course, so I spent about 16 hours going over every detail just so that I could make sure to give you the most accurate information.

The first thing you notice on the character select screen is that Blizzard has apparently decided to add a new race to the game. Not sure why we haven’t heard much of this from other sources, but this new race looks like an unusually larger scale version of the existing Pandaren Monk model (having trouble linking here, but you can search my older post regarding these tiny Pandaren).

Anyways, I started up the pre-alpha and in order to give you the most accurate update on all the changes, I chose to play a Tauren Druid. Since that is the class I’m most familiar with, it would give me a great chance to keep you informed on every single detail that has changed.

I’m very disappointed to say that so far, Druids are seeing little to no change in this version of the game. I replayed the starting zone over and over and over just to make sure I wasn’t missing something, each time with more and more tears welled up in my eyes. This is how a heart breaks.

All the exciting new talents we’ve heard about for 5.0? None, no new talents for us. All the crazy screenshots we’ve seen of the new Pandarian environments? Nope, we still start in Thunder Bluff. Exciting new features we’ve heard about in 5.0 like the raid finder and transmogrification? Druids appear to have no access to these amazing gameplay changes.

Please Blizzard, don’t let us lag behind all of the other classes. We deserve these new features as much as everyone else!