Best Vanity Pets for DPS

A lot of people say to me “Aldous, it’s not fair that Hunters and Warlocks and Mages and Death Knights and Shamans all get permanent pets that they can keep out with them in combat while we get absolutely nothing at all!” to which I reply “Actually, I think the plural of Shaman is just Shaman and I’m not sure that they do have a pet like that, but nobody cares about Shamans so forget that noise and come listen to me as I tell you about the wonderful world of Vanity Pets!”

“Vanity Pets are just like the pets that all of those other classes have, but they are much smaller and much weaker.  In order to compensate for this downfall, they cannot be killed in combat.  That’s right, they are 100% immune to all boss mechanics.  Adding a vanity pet to your arsenal is one of the best ways to up your DPS if you’re as focused on min/maxing as I am.”

Lil' K.T. didn't do a damn thing.

“Just the other day, I went out and tested some of the strongest vanity pets to see just which one would really be the best to use in a raid setting.  Below are the results of my trials.”

“The first pet I tried was Lil’ KT.  He is rumored to cast a frost nova when enemies approach, instantly stopping them in their tracks.  Try as I might, I could not get him to reproduce this powerfully devastating attack, instead he merely stood around and cackled like an idiot.”

“Next, I tried the Toxic Oozling based on a suggestion from our guild leader.  Unfortunately, when it came time to perform the trial, I remembered that I didn’t actually have a Toxic Oozling.  This trial was a complete failure.”

The Magical Crawdad completely sucks at pinching anything.

“After that, I tried the Onyxian Whelpling.  I was instantly more hopeful with this pet as the vicious airborne beast began sucking in the air all around it.  I was sure that I was about to witness a crushing blow to one of the many enemies surrounding me.  Alas, it was not to be.  The stupid bird didn’t do shit.”

“The Magical Crawdad had me even more hopeful than the whelpling did.  The moment he arrived, he demonstrated his powerful pincers by slicing the air around him with a violent flambé.  As a rabbit approached, I held my breath in anticipation of the brutal onslaught that was sure to splash my feathers with the delicious blood of our mutual prey.  And the crawdad completely missed.  Man, fuck that guy.”

“The Warbot was perhaps the most disappointing of all the trials I performed.  He didn’t even have any fuel!  It really is a tough economy when your vanity pets can’t afford to get themselves through a single combat.”

What a pussy.

“The Pandaren Monk arrived with a dignified bow and then showed a great deal of promise by showcasing a flurry of karate moves.  My heart swelled with joy at the sight of him… and then the son of a bitch broke my poor little boozekin heart.  At the first sign of trouble, he went and hid behind some grass.  What a pussy.”

“I continued this process with multitudes of vanity pets, each time being more and more disappointed by the lack of any effort on their part.  Believe it or not, the above mentioned pets were some of the more successful trials I engaged in.”

“But then the unexpected happened, and it happened during the most crucial of times: Raid Night.  Just when I had given up on vanity pets altogether, a pet that I had not even considered during my initial run of trials stepped up to bat and completely knocked one out of the park.”

Ragnaros shits his pants at the sight of the Horde Balloon.

“We were preparing to fight Ragnaros, final boss of the Firelands.  We were all shaking in our boots.  This dude is scary looking.  Like, for reals scary looking.  I had plenty of liquid courage, but for the first time in my life, that wasn’t enough.  So I pulled out my trusty Horde Balloon.  It had gotten me through many tough times.  That time I ran out of Crown, that time I ran out of Maker’s, that time I ran out of Jameson.  Let’s not even go into that time I ended up naked on the floor of the Grim Guzzler, covered under a pile of dwarves whose genders were but a mystery to me.  Yes, that balloon had been there with me through thick and thin.  And when I whipped it out you should have seen the look on Ragnaros’ face.”

“The dude shit his pants right there, I’m not even kidding you.  It must have taken him forever to clean up that little lava hot tub he’s always hanging out in.  Unfortunately, he was so embarrassed that he retreated into his hideaway and we didn’t actually get a chance to fight him or get any loot.  But hey, we didn’t get murdered by him either.  I’m okay with a draw.”

“So let’s go back and review our contenders for top vanity pets and see who came out on top:

Lil’ KT – Cackled
Toxic Oozling – Absent
Onyxian Whelpling – Breathed Deep
Magical Crawdad – Pinched Air
Warbot – Empty
Pandaren Monk – Hid like a pussy
Horde Balloon – Made Rag shit his pants

And the winner is…”

Man, whose blog did you think this was? Someone NOT always drunk?

That’s what I say to people when they talk to me about pets.


6 responses to “Best Vanity Pets for DPS

  1. Oh man, I think you’re really on to something here. Perhaps Lil’ XT — the voice alone has shattered stronger wills than mine. Or one of my favorites, the Durotaur Scorpion, whose debuff makes raid healers insane.

    I too have found that the Pandaren Monk is nothing but bluster, but he’s forgiven since he brings me beer.

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