The LFR Drinking Game 5.0

man oh man, you guys have totally got to GIS “costume pugs”

Hi folks. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s get down to business.
The old LFR drinking game is horribly outdated. It needs updating. Wait a minute, wouldn’t the opposite of “outdated” be “indated”? And “updating” would be the opposite of “downdating.” THESE ARE WORDS? WHAT IS GOING ON.

Also, due to the tragic deaths of a guild in South Dakota after their attempts to complete my original drinking game, I am now legally obligated to severely reduce the number of reasons to drink to make the game more “realistic.” Realistic for who, a fucking pussy? Anyways, if you want to play “LFR Classic Crunksauce Drunkboss Mode” then just quadruple all of the given values for how many drinks you should take. LET’S GO!!!

Continue reading

Blizzard Announces Plans To Just Fucking Release A Goddamn Difficulty Slider Already

In a press conference held earlier today, Blizzard President Mike Morhaime announced their latest plans to “just fucking release a goddamn difficulty slider already” for their popular online video game, The World of Warcraft.

We’re tired of this shit. Half of you fuckers are like “this is too easy” and the other half of you are saying “this shit’s too hard” and we’re just standing here looking like a bunch of goddamn assholes because you fuckers can’t make up your minds. We’re tired of it. We’re fucking done with it.

Later that day, the latest patch for the beta version of their next expansion, The Mists of Pandaria, included an early prototype of the difficulty adjustment option.

So we’re gonna test some shit out on the beta where you can pick from ten different difficulties. It’s not enough. We know it’s not, that would just be retarded. You know how many people play this game? I don’t have the numbers here but it’s probably more than the population of the fucking city you live in. You think ten difficulty settings is enough for that many assholes? We’re just gonna test this shit out with ten and then if it works we’re gonna throw in a percentage slider thingy so you can pick from a hundred difficulty settings.

Morhaime explained that they receive fan criticism on a daily basis and that they’re hoping this new system will quell some of the most common complaints directed at raid difficulty.

Not a single one of you fuckers is gonna be able to say shit. You want easy? You got easy. You want hard? You got hard. You want something in between? You got something in between. YOU. CAN’T. SAY. SHIT. FUCKERS.

The Blizzard president went on to explain that each level of difficulty would result in players being able to obtain progressively better levels of gear. For example, difficulty level 5 would drop items of level 485, difficulty 15 would drop 495, difficulty 40 would drop 520, and so on and so forth.

That oughta keep you twats busy. And you know what? We’re gonna make level 100 so goddamn impossible that not a single one of you sponsored fuckers is gonna be able to beat it. Actually, check this shit out: if you can beat level 100 then you get to be Blizzard president. What? Yeah, I just fucking did that. Come at me.

When asked if Blizzard had any plans to change the “Raid Finder” version introduced in their previous expansion, Morhaime responded:

LFR is a bag of dicks. And if you’re doing nothing but LFR… well, quite frankly, a bag of dicks is where you belong. We’re just gonna take out the item level restrictions and the “once a week” loot limit and make it a shitty cesspit where you go to drown in buckets of green quality gear and semen. We’re hoping this will result in making the system as big a bag of dicks as we originally intended it to be.

Top 5 Cataclysm Content I’ll Miss When Mists Comes Out

5. That awesome Icecrown farming spot

Believe it or not, this picture was taken by a bird!

When the Argent Tournament first sprang to life, it added a couple of little daily quest areas. Once of these areas was Deathspeaker’s Watch and it was filled with tons of level 85 mobs. Nothing too special about it.

Fast forward to nowzers. You’ve got the annoying quest to collect 250 ears for the Darkmoon Faire and you’ve got random holidays where you can farm kills for holiday currencies of sorts. You know what area is perfect for that? That’s right, it’s the dang Deathspeaker’s Watch. These level 85 mobs are just barely at the cutoff to give XP and so they melt like a stick of butter getting hit by a beam of fire from the moon. The arrival of Mists will mean that these mobs will be too low level to be killworthy at all :(

4. Stranglethorn Arena Master & Fishing Extravaganza

 

Zero fishies?!?!

When Blizzard goes through with their “Low-Level Zone Merging” program will it mean that I have to compete with the entire WORLD if I want to win a Stranglethorn Arena Master Trinket?!?!?! Will it mean that the entire WORLD is gonna be gunnin’ for my pools of tastyfishies?!?!?!?! :’(

3. Getting to hang out in Dalaran again

Dalaran: Azeroth’s largest congregation of magic users and elephant turds.

Cataclysm meant that nobody had to hang out in Northrend again. Which meant that I would not drop down to 3 frames per hour every time I tried to enter Dalaran because everybody was riding in a goddamn mammoth train around the city. Which meant that I could safely hang out there again without destroying my computer because it’s the coolest city ever. Unfortunately, Mists will require me to hang out in some Pandarian city so that I can have easy enough access to all that new continent stuff :(

2. The “Thrall’s Balls” Quote

:(

1. Icecrown Citadel

My guildies call him “The Lunch King” because seriously he needs to watch his cholesterol.

When ICC first came out, it was right around the time that I was first starting to raid more seriously. It was fun, and we eventually got the Lich King down, but we were by no means “great” raiders and so we had no chance of getting most of the achievements or heroic content downed. Regardless, it was a really fun, well-designed instance. So now that we’re all 85 and well practiced, ICC is really fun to go back to. It’s super easy so there’s not much risk of death, unless you completely ignore the mechanincs and keep your group disorganized, so you still get all those nostalgic feelings from when you were first running the place.

I fear that once Mists comes out, we’ll all outgear ICC way too much and it’ll lose that perfect balance of difficulty to nostalgia :(

A Short Thesis on the “Free Love” Sexuality of the Pandaren Race

What do we know about the Pandaren?

We know that, until our arrival, they had successfully created a society that was devoid of all hatred, all anger, all fear. Their culture is one with absolutely no negativity, a utopia of sorts. However this utopia was born out of necessity. The Sha that infested the lands sprang up whenever negativity was nearby. Utopia or death… the choice was simple.

But what does it really mean to live in a land with no negativity? And how does that relate to sexuality?

Think for a moment about your own life and all of the negativity associated with modern relationships. Fear, jealousy, rejection, disappointment. Every single one of you has felt one of those emotions at some point in your life as a result of a relationship. Of course, there are plenty of positive things that we can associate with them, but in this case it’s not the amount of positive that matters, it’s the simple existence of any negativity whatsoever.

If the Sha existed in our world, we’d be dead from gender and sexuality before you started factoring in any other source of negativity.

So what do the Pandaren do? They completely redefine relationships. There is no marriage. No courting process. Everyone just loves everyone. They’re all willing and able to have sexual relations with another at any given moment.

This is the only way they know how to do things. It’s just been passed on from generation to generation to generation and it’s all ingrained into their systems at this point.

Perhaps we can imagine Pandaria to be much like Huxley’s Brave New World. A world in which people are not reprimanded for open sexuality, but instead they are praised for it. Take this passage from the book for example:

Nodding, “He patted me on the behind this afternoon,” said Lenina.

“There, you see!” Fanny was triumphant. “That shows what he stands for. The strictest conventionality.”

You can see from the way Lenina and Fanny speak about a male’s actions shows us how people would be expected to behave in a utopia such as Pandaria. People would be upset if you didn’t compliment them on their beauty at every turn.

This is why I am very upset about a certain character named Ji Firepaw that currently exists on the beta.

Currently he says to male players: “You’ve got a strong look to you! I bet you’re all the rage with the ladies!” To female players he says: “You’re some kind of gorgeous, aren’t you? I bet you can’t keep the men off of you!”

Wow! This is perfect! If we are to believe that the Pandaren live in a utopia with absolutely no negativity then this line really does a lot to help us solidify this. Women are crazy about men! Men are crazy about women! Everybody loves to sleep with everybody! Men will compliment other men on their prowess because there is no jealousy! That is exactly how things would work in their society. I love the raw honesty Blizzard, it’s wonderful.

But here’s what’s really bothering me. It just doesn’t seem… equal. We could really have used a strong female character showing us the female perspective. After all, the only thing we’re really seeing right now is the male’s perspective. We really need to get both sides of things to get a full picture of Pandaren society.

Here’s my proposal. Add in a character named Mui Swiftpaw. To female characters she should say: “Oh, honey! You look absolutely stunning! That milkshake of yours is gonna bring all the boys to the yard!” And to male characters she should say: “Hubba hubba. What brings you around tall, dark & handsome?”

This is really necessary. Otherwise some people who jump to conclusions too quickly won’t even consider the Pandaren way of life and they might just get upset when they think this is one male character’s viewpoint and not the entire culture. Some of them also forget that you’re just a company that’s writing a fictional story and they invest so much of their lives into the game that they forget there’s even a distinction. I know we sometimes forget about people like that, but with a game as popular as yours that’s filled with such a variety of people, there’s bound to be a few of them.

And don’t even think of taking that line out. Ji wouldn’t be in character if you did that.

MA Meeting Transcript

-Okay then. Who wants to get us started?

-Umm, I’ll go. If that’s go okay.

-Absolutely.

-Ok well. Umm. As you all know… well… as most of you know… oh, I guess I should introduce myself. Hehe. I’m Terry… hi. Anyways,  about four months ago I started working on a new set. I had decided I was going to farm the TK 5-mans to try and get that rare axe to drop. I already had it for my main, but I wanted it on one of my alts. Well, anyways. I was running through and this chest I’d never seen before dropped. The Jade-Skull Breastplate. Oh, it was great. I didn’t know how I’d never noticed it before. This really nice shade of green. The weird logo on the chest. I kinda thought it would be good for a cool super villain set, you know? I completely forgot about the axe and starting putting together a set built around the chest. After I had it just perfect, I got my shopping list together and started to get that first little rush. God, it was gonna look so good. Like something to really be proud of. I started to feel that rush even more as I went around collecting the pieces. You know that rush? When you get that second piece, and that third piece. Each one giving you a little bit more. After five or six and it’s all starting to come together… mmmmm that’s the best. When you’re so close you can feel it. Some of the pieces took a little longer to get, needed a bit more farming. A heroic on a daily timer here. A weekly raid there. But that just made the rush feel even better when I finally got it. God, it feels so good. When you put that piece on and you’re actually wearing it on your character. It’s not just on a model viewer, you’re actually walking around with it. Most people don’t understand that feeling, but for me… god, it’s the best. Oh no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t really be talking like that here.

-It’s okay, let it out.

-Well. Anyways, there was this helm. The Helm of the Faceless. From 25-man Vezax. It was perfect. It was the last piece that I needed. I got so excited when I started getting that first Ulduar group together. We went all the way through to the end, did a few hard modes here and there just for shiggles. Of course, it didn’t drop that first week. I laughed and shrugged it off. The second time was no big deal either. But then that third, fourth time. It really starts to get to you. You keep taking the time to farm for it and just keeps refusing to drop. It just starts gnawing at you, you know? I really started to lose my patience. We kept doing it over and over again and still no helm. I don’t know how long it had actually been. Probably only 9 or 10 weeks, but it felt like it had been forever. I was really starting to get pissed off. Getting tired of putting runs together just so we could get all the way through to the end, only to have the helm not drop?  All for nothing. And it was getting harder and harder to put groups together, too. In the beginning we could get people to come in for achievements they might have been missing. But after a while, people stopped caring. Even my guildies weren’t coming. I spent more time recruiting for the raid and making sure people would show up than I actually did inside the raid instance. It was taking over, it became an obsession. I was skipping guild raids, I even missed some runway events… all just so I could keep recruiting. It got to a point where I couldn’t even claim it was for achievements anymore. I’d just be paying people to come in and help fill my raid… all for a single mog piece. My friends, my guildies, they were getting worried about me. One of them suggested I try this place. And it’s really helped.

*deep breath*

-You can do it.

-With your help, I’m really proud to say that it’s been six weeks now that I have not run Ulduar. I haven’t done a single retro raid or heroic, actually. I’m six weeks completely farm free.

*applause*

-I… I still do some mogging, though. Like, I still play around with pieces that I already have. But I’m not really searching for new pieces anymore.

-Hey, that’s okay. It’s a big step in the right direction.

-Yeah. The other day… there was a nice green that dropped while I was doing some dailies. I thought to myself that I could make kind of a neat “sword for hire” type of mog set out of it. But then I stopped myself. I knew that the guild bank needed more mats and so I actually just mailed it off to one of our guild enchanters. I didn’t have the heart to DE it myself, but I knew it would get done. It hurt a little bit on the inside, but I know that I made the right choice. I wasn’t hurting my guild anymore. I was actually helping them by contributing. In fact, the time I’ve saved by not farming, I’ve been able to help fill the bank with flasks to last us for two months worth of raiding. Including alt raids.

*applause*

-Come over here, pick up your Six Week No-Farm Chip.

*applause, tears*

-Okay then, who wants to go next? Oh, I think I see a new face in the back there. How about you? It’s okay, don’t be shy. We’re all friends here.

-Umm, okay. I’ve never really done this before. I don’t know what I should be saying.

-That’s okay. Why don’t you start by telling us your name?

-Oh, uh, okay. Hi. My name’s Jay.

-And?

-And… I’m… I’m a mogaholic.

*applause*

-Tell us your story, Jay.

Probably Not How Any Real Blizzard Meetings Work

Morhaime: Okay everybody, we’re good to go with the WoW Annual Pass. The web team has assured us that we’ll be good to go for Blizzcon so we’re still on track to announce it there. We’re definitely gonna do the free copy of Diablo but we need a few more perks for our subscribers who might not care about D3. So let’s start brainstorming. Who’s got some ideas?

Stockton: What about an exclusive pet? I mean, we’re doing the whole pet battle thing so maybe that would be a nice way to…

Chilton: No, no, no. We agreed that the pet battle thing is gonna be pretty controversial for the more hardcore crowd. This would just be more fuel for their fire. We need to do something different with this.

Street: How about an extra talent point for every…

Metzen: Shut up, Greg. Sorry I’m late everybody, just had to fire our valet guy. He was about to get mud all over my carpeting. Did I miss anything?

Morhaime: Hey Chris. No, we’re just getting started. Cory, I really like that idea but I agree with Tom. We don’t want to do a pet overload.

Stockton: Okay, how about a mount then? It’s cosmetic but we could still make it cool enough that people will want it.

Chilton: I could get behind that. It would definitely have to be appealing enough to sway people who might be on the fence.

Street: Ooh, I know. We could make it a giant crab that walks sideways and it has a…

Metzen: Shut up, Greg.

Morhaime: Guys, guys. Blizzcon is only a month away. There’s no way the art team is going to be able to get a mount ready that quickly.

Metzen: So? We just recycle somethink they’re already working on. Can we just take something from D3? I mean, yeah, we still have to animate it into WoW but who says we have to have it ready at Blizzcon? Just throw up a picture and tell them they’ll get it in the next patch. Done.

Stockton: That’s actually not a bad idea. Maybe some sort of monstrous creature from D3′s bestiary would work.

Morhaime: Well let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. We’ll get with the art teams and see what they have and if we can get that going quickly enough then we go with a mount. Otherwise, we nix it. I’ll write it up on the board here for now.

Street: Don’t forget to write down the crab thing, too.

Metzen: Shut up, Greg.

Morhaime: Okay what else? That’s good but it’s still not enough.

Metzen: Not enough? It’s a damn mount. They love that shit, they don’t need anything else.

Morhaime. But what if the mounts don’t work out, Chris? Come on. Let’s get serious here. We need more. Tom? Cory? Any ideas?

Chilton: I don’t know. This is really tough. I want to give them a lot of cool things but we can’t really do anything game-breaking or anything where people absolutely have to have the pass.

Stockton: I was thinking some sort of priority registration or something for Blizzcon next year.

Metzen: Oh, I can’t do Blizzcon next year. I’ve got a thing.

Morhaime: Okay, let me just make a quick note here… cancel… blizzcon… okay got it.

Stockton: You know what? That actually made me think of something. What if we gave them priority something else? Like they can get Mists before everyone else or something?

Chilton: That wouldn’t really be fair, you’d still be forcing people to get the annual pass if they want realm first or anything like that. Races for achievements would be completely broken.

Street: We could remove achievements.

Metzen: YES!

Morhaime: Wait what? You’re agreeing with that?

Metzen: Oh sorry, I just beat my high score on Bejeweled.

Street: So does that mean we’re removing achievements? I’ll start writing a dev watercooler about it.

All: Shut up, Greg.

Metzen: Alright, so you need something that lets people be feel like they’re important and first but doesn’t actually mean shit? Beta access. Done.

Chilton: Hmm…

Morhaime: Actually, I like that a lot. Tom? Cory? Thoughts?

Stockton: No objections from me.

Chilton: That actually might be a good way to find more bugs in the beta. To really flood it with people but still make them feel like they’re getting something special. I like it.

Street: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whaaaaaaat? You guys that’s crazy. No way the beta servers are gonna be able to accommodate that many people.

Metzen: Seriously, why do we keep inviting this guy to meetings?

Morhaime: Greg. Don’t be stupid. With that many people, nobody’s going to expect to be able to play all at once. The betas are there to help us test stuff out. People know that and they know that crashing the servers isn’t gonna let us test anything.

Street: So… queue times to get onto the servers?

All: *groan*

Stockton: I really think we need to get him some help. Like, I’m not even joking here. Greg might have some sort of serious problem. Did he seriously just suggest going back to LK-era queue times to get onto servers? That shit completely blew up in our face. I don’t want to go back to that, even if it is just for the beta.

Chilton: You guys already know how I feel about this guy. I’m not even gonna waste my breath repeating it.

Metzen: So are we done here? D3, Mount, Beta. We good?

Chilton: Oh, you know what? Let’s just make sure the legal team works with the web team to make sure we word all this stuff correctly. Mount in the next patch, D3 when it releases, beta when it’s available. Otherwise the crazier ones are gonna whine all over the forums about how they didn’t get this stuff instantly.

Stockton: Oh my god, you’re right. You know, it’s funny… as long as we’ve been doing this, I never remember that we have to plan this stuff out for the lowest common denominator of our fanbase. Could you just imagine people on the forums going apeshit about the beta not being available for them yet?

Metzen: Wait, are you kidding me? We gotta deal with bullshit like that? It’s ready when it’s ready. Tough titties.

Morhaime: Yeah, but some people just don’t get that. We’ll make sure to add that into the legalese. Good catch, Tom. We really dodged a bullet there.

Metzen: Who wants to hear some Thrall lines?

All: *cheer*

I don't know where I found this picture but it's a pretty good cap for this post. The end.

Pandanalysis: What’s a panda do, probably?

I mean we can only theorize.

My assertion is that probably they will be big and fluffy I think.

Obviously eucalyptus will also most likely be involved. They gonna eats it. Oh they’ll cook too and could potentially use it as an ingredient? That would be a good idea. Somebody page Blizzard to this thread cause I’ve got some ideas and theories that they really need to hear. But like, only if they don’t have better ideas, right?

The storyline would be cool if it started with an act of kindness from Garrosh to the pandas.

I know what you’re thinking here. You’re all like “kindness from grosh whaaaaat lmao” but actually it will be an attempt at him trying to better himself. That would be a cool storyline.

But so like… so, umm the… wait hold on, let me think how this is gonna work.

So the pandas are also really good people. Like super good. And also not people, you know, they’re pandas. But then instead of being nice back to Thrall they… wait, I mean Garrosh. Instead of being nice back to Garrosh they accidentally have a miscommunication or something and they think Thrall is… wait, I did it again. They think Garrosh is posing an immediate threat so they kick his butt and throw him out.

So Thrall…

Gimme a second, I need to stop doing that.

Okay.

So Garrosh feels all rejected and he tries to make up for it by being an even gooder person. But it’s like, both sides keep misconstruing his actions and he just goes further and further into this massive downward spiral. Then it just drives him so crazy that he decides to be the best person he can be and that he should do the best thing possible to make people love him the most. So he decides he’s gonna love all the pandas. He’s just gonna love them all so so much and he’s gonna be basically kidnapping them and keeping them as slaves but in his head he’ll be thinking “these pandas are totally the luckiest to have me keeping them because I love these pandas so much and now they’re safe and they’ll have me forever.” That kind of sounds like The Ice King from Adventure Time and yeah it’s basically that same archetype. So the Horde and the Alliance are like “oh man, that Garrosh has gone BONKERS dudes, we need to shut down his crib and save all those panda girls he’s been holding up in there.”

They didn’t say it all at once and in unison. That would be weird. I was just giving you a quick little synopsis of the general conclusion that they reached at the end of some discussion.

Oh man though, can we just picture that for a second. Everyone in the Horde and Alliance stops what they’re doing for 5 seconds, and all at once they read that line out loud. How crazyballs would that be?

Anyways, that’s my theory/hope/suggestion/pandanalysis of the SHOCKING news we received about the Thrall ra… about the GARROSH raid.

Damn it.