The LFR Drinking Game 5.0

man oh man, you guys have totally got to GIS “costume pugs”

Hi folks. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s get down to business.
The old LFR drinking game is horribly outdated. It needs updating. Wait a minute, wouldn’t the opposite of “outdated” be “indated”? And “updating” would be the opposite of “downdating.” THESE ARE WORDS? WHAT IS GOING ON.

Also, due to the tragic deaths of a guild in South Dakota after their attempts to complete my original drinking game, I am now legally obligated to severely reduce the number of reasons to drink to make the game more “realistic.” Realistic for who, a fucking pussy? Anyways, if you want to play “LFR Classic Crunksauce Drunkboss Mode” then just quadruple all of the given values for how many drinks you should take. LET’S GO!!!

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Blizzard Announces Plans To Just Fucking Release A Goddamn Difficulty Slider Already

In a press conference held earlier today, Blizzard President Mike Morhaime announced their latest plans to “just fucking release a goddamn difficulty slider already” for their popular online video game, The World of Warcraft.

We’re tired of this shit. Half of you fuckers are like “this is too easy” and the other half of you are saying “this shit’s too hard” and we’re just standing here looking like a bunch of goddamn assholes because you fuckers can’t make up your minds. We’re tired of it. We’re fucking done with it.

Later that day, the latest patch for the beta version of their next expansion, The Mists of Pandaria, included an early prototype of the difficulty adjustment option.

So we’re gonna test some shit out on the beta where you can pick from ten different difficulties. It’s not enough. We know it’s not, that would just be retarded. You know how many people play this game? I don’t have the numbers here but it’s probably more than the population of the fucking city you live in. You think ten difficulty settings is enough for that many assholes? We’re just gonna test this shit out with ten and then if it works we’re gonna throw in a percentage slider thingy so you can pick from a hundred difficulty settings.

Morhaime explained that they receive fan criticism on a daily basis and that they’re hoping this new system will quell some of the most common complaints directed at raid difficulty.

Not a single one of you fuckers is gonna be able to say shit. You want easy? You got easy. You want hard? You got hard. You want something in between? You got something in between. YOU. CAN’T. SAY. SHIT. FUCKERS.

The Blizzard president went on to explain that each level of difficulty would result in players being able to obtain progressively better levels of gear. For example, difficulty level 5 would drop items of level 485, difficulty 15 would drop 495, difficulty 40 would drop 520, and so on and so forth.

That oughta keep you twats busy. And you know what? We’re gonna make level 100 so goddamn impossible that not a single one of you sponsored fuckers is gonna be able to beat it. Actually, check this shit out: if you can beat level 100 then you get to be Blizzard president. What? Yeah, I just fucking did that. Come at me.

When asked if Blizzard had any plans to change the “Raid Finder” version introduced in their previous expansion, Morhaime responded:

LFR is a bag of dicks. And if you’re doing nothing but LFR… well, quite frankly, a bag of dicks is where you belong. We’re just gonna take out the item level restrictions and the “once a week” loot limit and make it a shitty cesspit where you go to drown in buckets of green quality gear and semen. We’re hoping this will result in making the system as big a bag of dicks as we originally intended it to be.

Top 5 Cataclysm Content I’ll Miss When Mists Comes Out

5. That awesome Icecrown farming spot

Believe it or not, this picture was taken by a bird!

When the Argent Tournament first sprang to life, it added a couple of little daily quest areas. Once of these areas was Deathspeaker’s Watch and it was filled with tons of level 85 mobs. Nothing too special about it.

Fast forward to nowzers. You’ve got the annoying quest to collect 250 ears for the Darkmoon Faire and you’ve got random holidays where you can farm kills for holiday currencies of sorts. You know what area is perfect for that? That’s right, it’s the dang Deathspeaker’s Watch. These level 85 mobs are just barely at the cutoff to give XP and so they melt like a stick of butter getting hit by a beam of fire from the moon. The arrival of Mists will mean that these mobs will be too low level to be killworthy at all :(

4. Stranglethorn Arena Master & Fishing Extravaganza

 

Zero fishies?!?!

When Blizzard goes through with their “Low-Level Zone Merging” program will it mean that I have to compete with the entire WORLD if I want to win a Stranglethorn Arena Master Trinket?!?!?! Will it mean that the entire WORLD is gonna be gunnin’ for my pools of tastyfishies?!?!?!?! :'(

3. Getting to hang out in Dalaran again

Dalaran: Azeroth’s largest congregation of magic users and elephant turds.

Cataclysm meant that nobody had to hang out in Northrend again. Which meant that I would not drop down to 3 frames per hour every time I tried to enter Dalaran because everybody was riding in a goddamn mammoth train around the city. Which meant that I could safely hang out there again without destroying my computer because it’s the coolest city ever. Unfortunately, Mists will require me to hang out in some Pandarian city so that I can have easy enough access to all that new continent stuff :(

2. The “Thrall’s Balls” Quote

:(

1. Icecrown Citadel

My guildies call him “The Lunch King” because seriously he needs to watch his cholesterol.

When ICC first came out, it was right around the time that I was first starting to raid more seriously. It was fun, and we eventually got the Lich King down, but we were by no means “great” raiders and so we had no chance of getting most of the achievements or heroic content downed. Regardless, it was a really fun, well-designed instance. So now that we’re all 85 and well practiced, ICC is really fun to go back to. It’s super easy so there’s not much risk of death, unless you completely ignore the mechanincs and keep your group disorganized, so you still get all those nostalgic feelings from when you were first running the place.

I fear that once Mists comes out, we’ll all outgear ICC way too much and it’ll lose that perfect balance of difficulty to nostalgia :(

MA Meeting Transcript

-Okay then. Who wants to get us started?

-Umm, I’ll go. If that’s go okay.

-Absolutely.

-Ok well. Umm. As you all know… well… as most of you know… oh, I guess I should introduce myself. Hehe. I’m Terry… hi. Anyways,  about four months ago I started working on a new set. I had decided I was going to farm the TK 5-mans to try and get that rare axe to drop. I already had it for my main, but I wanted it on one of my alts. Well, anyways. I was running through and this chest I’d never seen before dropped. The Jade-Skull Breastplate. Oh, it was great. I didn’t know how I’d never noticed it before. This really nice shade of green. The weird logo on the chest. I kinda thought it would be good for a cool super villain set, you know? I completely forgot about the axe and starting putting together a set built around the chest. After I had it just perfect, I got my shopping list together and started to get that first little rush. God, it was gonna look so good. Like something to really be proud of. I started to feel that rush even more as I went around collecting the pieces. You know that rush? When you get that second piece, and that third piece. Each one giving you a little bit more. After five or six and it’s all starting to come together… mmmmm that’s the best. When you’re so close you can feel it. Some of the pieces took a little longer to get, needed a bit more farming. A heroic on a daily timer here. A weekly raid there. But that just made the rush feel even better when I finally got it. God, it feels so good. When you put that piece on and you’re actually wearing it on your character. It’s not just on a model viewer, you’re actually walking around with it. Most people don’t understand that feeling, but for me… god, it’s the best. Oh no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t really be talking like that here.

-It’s okay, let it out.

-Well. Anyways, there was this helm. The Helm of the Faceless. From 25-man Vezax. It was perfect. It was the last piece that I needed. I got so excited when I started getting that first Ulduar group together. We went all the way through to the end, did a few hard modes here and there just for shiggles. Of course, it didn’t drop that first week. I laughed and shrugged it off. The second time was no big deal either. But then that third, fourth time. It really starts to get to you. You keep taking the time to farm for it and just keeps refusing to drop. It just starts gnawing at you, you know? I really started to lose my patience. We kept doing it over and over again and still no helm. I don’t know how long it had actually been. Probably only 9 or 10 weeks, but it felt like it had been forever. I was really starting to get pissed off. Getting tired of putting runs together just so we could get all the way through to the end, only to have the helm not drop?  All for nothing. And it was getting harder and harder to put groups together, too. In the beginning we could get people to come in for achievements they might have been missing. But after a while, people stopped caring. Even my guildies weren’t coming. I spent more time recruiting for the raid and making sure people would show up than I actually did inside the raid instance. It was taking over, it became an obsession. I was skipping guild raids, I even missed some runway events… all just so I could keep recruiting. It got to a point where I couldn’t even claim it was for achievements anymore. I’d just be paying people to come in and help fill my raid… all for a single mog piece. My friends, my guildies, they were getting worried about me. One of them suggested I try this place. And it’s really helped.

*deep breath*

-You can do it.

-With your help, I’m really proud to say that it’s been six weeks now that I have not run Ulduar. I haven’t done a single retro raid or heroic, actually. I’m six weeks completely farm free.

*applause*

-I… I still do some mogging, though. Like, I still play around with pieces that I already have. But I’m not really searching for new pieces anymore.

-Hey, that’s okay. It’s a big step in the right direction.

-Yeah. The other day… there was a nice green that dropped while I was doing some dailies. I thought to myself that I could make kind of a neat “sword for hire” type of mog set out of it. But then I stopped myself. I knew that the guild bank needed more mats and so I actually just mailed it off to one of our guild enchanters. I didn’t have the heart to DE it myself, but I knew it would get done. It hurt a little bit on the inside, but I know that I made the right choice. I wasn’t hurting my guild anymore. I was actually helping them by contributing. In fact, the time I’ve saved by not farming, I’ve been able to help fill the bank with flasks to last us for two months worth of raiding. Including alt raids.

*applause*

-Come over here, pick up your Six Week No-Farm Chip.

*applause, tears*

-Okay then, who wants to go next? Oh, I think I see a new face in the back there. How about you? It’s okay, don’t be shy. We’re all friends here.

-Umm, okay. I’ve never really done this before. I don’t know what I should be saying.

-That’s okay. Why don’t you start by telling us your name?

-Oh, uh, okay. Hi. My name’s Jay.

-And?

-And… I’m… I’m a mogaholic.

*applause*

-Tell us your story, Jay.

Pandanalysis: What’s a panda do, probably?

I mean we can only theorize.

My assertion is that probably they will be big and fluffy I think.

Obviously eucalyptus will also most likely be involved. They gonna eats it. Oh they’ll cook too and could potentially use it as an ingredient? That would be a good idea. Somebody page Blizzard to this thread cause I’ve got some ideas and theories that they really need to hear. But like, only if they don’t have better ideas, right?

The storyline would be cool if it started with an act of kindness from Garrosh to the pandas.

I know what you’re thinking here. You’re all like “kindness from grosh whaaaaat lmao” but actually it will be an attempt at him trying to better himself. That would be a cool storyline.

But so like… so, umm the… wait hold on, let me think how this is gonna work.

So the pandas are also really good people. Like super good. And also not people, you know, they’re pandas. But then instead of being nice back to Thrall they… wait, I mean Garrosh. Instead of being nice back to Garrosh they accidentally have a miscommunication or something and they think Thrall is… wait, I did it again. They think Garrosh is posing an immediate threat so they kick his butt and throw him out.

So Thrall…

Gimme a second, I need to stop doing that.

Okay.

So Garrosh feels all rejected and he tries to make up for it by being an even gooder person. But it’s like, both sides keep misconstruing his actions and he just goes further and further into this massive downward spiral. Then it just drives him so crazy that he decides to be the best person he can be and that he should do the best thing possible to make people love him the most. So he decides he’s gonna love all the pandas. He’s just gonna love them all so so much and he’s gonna be basically kidnapping them and keeping them as slaves but in his head he’ll be thinking “these pandas are totally the luckiest to have me keeping them because I love these pandas so much and now they’re safe and they’ll have me forever.” That kind of sounds like The Ice King from Adventure Time and yeah it’s basically that same archetype. So the Horde and the Alliance are like “oh man, that Garrosh has gone BONKERS dudes, we need to shut down his crib and save all those panda girls he’s been holding up in there.”

They didn’t say it all at once and in unison. That would be weird. I was just giving you a quick little synopsis of the general conclusion that they reached at the end of some discussion.

Oh man though, can we just picture that for a second. Everyone in the Horde and Alliance stops what they’re doing for 5 seconds, and all at once they read that line out loud. How crazyballs would that be?

Anyways, that’s my theory/hope/suggestion/pandanalysis of the SHOCKING news we received about the Thrall ra… about the GARROSH raid.

Damn it.

How to Make an Image of a Giant Pimp Appear Above Orgrimmar

Step 1: Be Horde

I’m sure you could do this as Alliance over Stormwind, but why would you want to do that? Quit being stupid and just play horde.

Step 2: Be a caster

This guide is for Druids, Mages, Priests, Shamans, and Warlocks ONLY. Death Knights, Hunters, Paladins, Rogues, and Warriors are losers.

Step 3: Dragonwrath

Go through the legendary questline to obtain Dragonwrath, Tarecgosa’s Rest. This is the longest step and will probably take you about 2-3 weeks to complete. Don’t turn in the last quest just yet though.

Step 4: Don your pimp suit and cane

You do have a pimp suit and cane, right?

Okay, good.

Step 5: Finish the last quest

You’re gonna ride this disk up top and look like such a badass while you do it.

Pretty much the definition of a pimp right here.

 Step 6: Get dat staff

There’s gonna be some crazyballs electricity and then the staff is gonna show up and you’re gonna pick it up.

Amazeballs

 Step 7: Splooge all over the internet now that you have a legendary

And don’t forget to take screenshots of funny things your guildies say:

Please be sure to look forward to my next post, entitled “How to be the first person the enemy targets in PvP (or) How I learned to quit riding into battlegrounds as Tarecgosa”