The LFR Drinking Game 5.0

man oh man, you guys have totally got to GIS “costume pugs”

Hi folks. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s get down to business.
The old LFR drinking game is horribly outdated. It needs updating. Wait a minute, wouldn’t the opposite of “outdated” be “indated”? And “updating” would be the opposite of “downdating.” THESE ARE WORDS? WHAT IS GOING ON.

Also, due to the tragic deaths of a guild in South Dakota after their attempts to complete my original drinking game, I am now legally obligated to severely reduce the number of reasons to drink to make the game more “realistic.” Realistic for who, a fucking pussy? Anyways, if you want to play “LFR Classic Crunksauce Drunkboss Mode” then just quadruple all of the given values for how many drinks you should take. LET’S GO!!!

Continue reading

Blizzard Announces Plans To Just Fucking Release A Goddamn Difficulty Slider Already

In a press conference held earlier today, Blizzard President Mike Morhaime announced their latest plans to “just fucking release a goddamn difficulty slider already” for their popular online video game, The World of Warcraft.

We’re tired of this shit. Half of you fuckers are like “this is too easy” and the other half of you are saying “this shit’s too hard” and we’re just standing here looking like a bunch of goddamn assholes because you fuckers can’t make up your minds. We’re tired of it. We’re fucking done with it.

Later that day, the latest patch for the beta version of their next expansion, The Mists of Pandaria, included an early prototype of the difficulty adjustment option.

So we’re gonna test some shit out on the beta where you can pick from ten different difficulties. It’s not enough. We know it’s not, that would just be retarded. You know how many people play this game? I don’t have the numbers here but it’s probably more than the population of the fucking city you live in. You think ten difficulty settings is enough for that many assholes? We’re just gonna test this shit out with ten and then if it works we’re gonna throw in a percentage slider thingy so you can pick from a hundred difficulty settings.

Morhaime explained that they receive fan criticism on a daily basis and that they’re hoping this new system will quell some of the most common complaints directed at raid difficulty.

Not a single one of you fuckers is gonna be able to say shit. You want easy? You got easy. You want hard? You got hard. You want something in between? You got something in between. YOU. CAN’T. SAY. SHIT. FUCKERS.

The Blizzard president went on to explain that each level of difficulty would result in players being able to obtain progressively better levels of gear. For example, difficulty level 5 would drop items of level 485, difficulty 15 would drop 495, difficulty 40 would drop 520, and so on and so forth.

That oughta keep you twats busy. And you know what? We’re gonna make level 100 so goddamn impossible that not a single one of you sponsored fuckers is gonna be able to beat it. Actually, check this shit out: if you can beat level 100 then you get to be Blizzard president. What? Yeah, I just fucking did that. Come at me.

When asked if Blizzard had any plans to change the “Raid Finder” version introduced in their previous expansion, Morhaime responded:

LFR is a bag of dicks. And if you’re doing nothing but LFR… well, quite frankly, a bag of dicks is where you belong. We’re just gonna take out the item level restrictions and the “once a week” loot limit and make it a shitty cesspit where you go to drown in buckets of green quality gear and semen. We’re hoping this will result in making the system as big a bag of dicks as we originally intended it to be.

Top 5 Cataclysm Content I’ll Miss When Mists Comes Out

5. That awesome Icecrown farming spot

Believe it or not, this picture was taken by a bird!

When the Argent Tournament first sprang to life, it added a couple of little daily quest areas. Once of these areas was Deathspeaker’s Watch and it was filled with tons of level 85 mobs. Nothing too special about it.

Fast forward to nowzers. You’ve got the annoying quest to collect 250 ears for the Darkmoon Faire and you’ve got random holidays where you can farm kills for holiday currencies of sorts. You know what area is perfect for that? That’s right, it’s the dang Deathspeaker’s Watch. These level 85 mobs are just barely at the cutoff to give XP and so they melt like a stick of butter getting hit by a beam of fire from the moon. The arrival of Mists will mean that these mobs will be too low level to be killworthy at all :(

4. Stranglethorn Arena Master & Fishing Extravaganza

 

Zero fishies?!?!

When Blizzard goes through with their “Low-Level Zone Merging” program will it mean that I have to compete with the entire WORLD if I want to win a Stranglethorn Arena Master Trinket?!?!?! Will it mean that the entire WORLD is gonna be gunnin’ for my pools of tastyfishies?!?!?!?! :'(

3. Getting to hang out in Dalaran again

Dalaran: Azeroth’s largest congregation of magic users and elephant turds.

Cataclysm meant that nobody had to hang out in Northrend again. Which meant that I would not drop down to 3 frames per hour every time I tried to enter Dalaran because everybody was riding in a goddamn mammoth train around the city. Which meant that I could safely hang out there again without destroying my computer because it’s the coolest city ever. Unfortunately, Mists will require me to hang out in some Pandarian city so that I can have easy enough access to all that new continent stuff :(

2. The “Thrall’s Balls” Quote

:(

1. Icecrown Citadel

My guildies call him “The Lunch King” because seriously he needs to watch his cholesterol.

When ICC first came out, it was right around the time that I was first starting to raid more seriously. It was fun, and we eventually got the Lich King down, but we were by no means “great” raiders and so we had no chance of getting most of the achievements or heroic content downed. Regardless, it was a really fun, well-designed instance. So now that we’re all 85 and well practiced, ICC is really fun to go back to. It’s super easy so there’s not much risk of death, unless you completely ignore the mechanincs and keep your group disorganized, so you still get all those nostalgic feelings from when you were first running the place.

I fear that once Mists comes out, we’ll all outgear ICC way too much and it’ll lose that perfect balance of difficulty to nostalgia :(

How to Make an Image of a Giant Pimp Appear Above Orgrimmar

Step 1: Be Horde

I’m sure you could do this as Alliance over Stormwind, but why would you want to do that? Quit being stupid and just play horde.

Step 2: Be a caster

This guide is for Druids, Mages, Priests, Shamans, and Warlocks ONLY. Death Knights, Hunters, Paladins, Rogues, and Warriors are losers.

Step 3: Dragonwrath

Go through the legendary questline to obtain Dragonwrath, Tarecgosa’s Rest. This is the longest step and will probably take you about 2-3 weeks to complete. Don’t turn in the last quest just yet though.

Step 4: Don your pimp suit and cane

You do have a pimp suit and cane, right?

Okay, good.

Step 5: Finish the last quest

You’re gonna ride this disk up top and look like such a badass while you do it.

Pretty much the definition of a pimp right here.

 Step 6: Get dat staff

There’s gonna be some crazyballs electricity and then the staff is gonna show up and you’re gonna pick it up.

Amazeballs

 Step 7: Splooge all over the internet now that you have a legendary

And don’t forget to take screenshots of funny things your guildies say:

Please be sure to look forward to my next post, entitled “How to be the first person the enemy targets in PvP (or) How I learned to quit riding into battlegrounds as Tarecgosa”

Serious Post: I Really Loved/Hated Firelands Becuase It Was So Hard/Easy

So I was laying awake in bed last night at 2am because I’m a nerd and things like raid difficulty in WoW keep me awake at night. You too? Cool, glad we’re on the same page. I was thinking about the relationship between Dragon Soul and Firelands and why these two raids feel so different. Dragon Soul is, in my opinion, far easier as a whole than Firelands. I think the majority of players would agree with me here, but I could be wrong. But what exactly is it that makes it so much easier? And is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Interactive Video Strategy Guides

How many times have you watched a video strategy guide for an upcoming boss attempt and thought to yourself “I really can’t tell what they’re talking about, I’ll just have to wait until I see it”? I know I have. But what if your player could be standing there in the middle of the video while the rest of the raid kept going. Wouldn’t that be amazing? You would be free to make mistakes which don’t have any major consequences but you could also follow the rest of the raid and just get a general feel for how that particular encounter is designed.

I’m about to blow your mind right here:

THIS IS WHAT LFR IS.

Yeah, let that settle in for a second. How many of you completed the LFR modes of a boss before completing their Normal mode counterparts? Do you think the LFR version left you better equipped to tackle the Normal version? Even if you still had to go look up a guide for the normal version, you had already seen the fight. You knew how it worked, you knew what all the abilities looked like, and you knew what was being talked about when the narrators discussed specific boss abilities.

Now think about how many times you’ve made mistakes in LFR. There are a few mistakes that would potentially kill you, but most of them just give you a nice big slap on the wrist and say “Now now, don’t do that again.”

It’s not really fair to say that Dragon Soul is easier because it has an introductory raid setting, but it’s definitely one of the contributing factors to the accessibility of the normal mode. One could debate that if Firelands had an LFR mode, then it would have made the normal mode feel easier too.

Together We Stand, Divided We Fall

It’s important that I clarify something here. Despite the fact that I brought up LFR, I am trying to compare normal modes to normal modes. It’s only fair.

What really got me thinking about this whole thing was the general mechanics of the boss fights. Overall, Dragon Soul encounters seem to have mechanics that require the entire raid to do something together or at the same time. Let’s do a quick (and very simplistic) review of their mechanics:

Morchok – Everyone get out of the black stuff.
Zonozz – Everyone bounce the ball, then stack.
Yorsaj – Everyone kill this slime, then stack (or don’t stack).
I’m currently realizing that I don’t know how those two assholes spell their names.
Hagara – Everyone run in a circle.
Ultranixon (lol i think he sounds like nixon) – Everyone push the button, push it again if you get the light.
Blackhorn – Okay, this one is the anomaly as there’s a lot for everyone to watch out for. Personally I think it’s the most interesting fight of this tier. It still has some “everybody do this” mechanics, but a successful raid will split up DPS assignments and responsibilities.
Spine/Madness – Everyone kill this, stack here, move to next spot, kill this, stack here, move to next spot, etc.

The point I’m trying to make here is that everyone is generally working on the same thing at the same time. It’s very easy for a raid leader to call out what everybody should be doing at any particular moment in time.

But Firelands? No way. It seems like the majority of the fight required you to split your raid up into two (or more) teams, that would all have very different tasks to accomplish. Let’s go ahead and review their individual mechanics. I acknowledge the fact that I really simplified the Dragon Soul boss fights down, so I’m going to attempt to simplify the Firelands encounters down AS MUCH AS I POSSIBLY CAN.

Shannox – DPS focus Rage, then evenly bring down Rip/Shannox. Tanks coordinate freezing Rip and kiting to drop stacks. Everyone come together at the end to kill boss.
Beth’tilac – Tank/Healer go up at same time with rest of “up team”. Some of “down team” focus drone, some spinners, some spiderlings. Keep drone away from spiderlings. Everyone come together at the end to kill boss.
Rhyolith – “Steering team” coordinate DPS on left or right leg in order to turn Rhyo so that he hits volcanos. Tank pick up adds for “ranged team” to kill. Everyone come together at the end to kill boss.
Alysrazor – One or two DPS fly up into the air and fly through rings and basically tell the rest of the raid to go bugger off. Tanks pick up eggs when they hatch and kite them to eat worms, rest of DPS keep the druids of the flame locked down until they die. Everyone come together at the end to avoid tornados then kill boss. Repeat if boss isn’t dead.
Baleroc – First two DPS take first crystal, second two DPS take second crystal, rotate. One healer take soakers, one healer take tank(s). Rotate.
Staghelm – This one’s definitely the anomaly here. Everyone stack up, everyone spread out.
Ragnaros – Watch out for a million random things that are all happening at the same time, go kill your assigned add, stack for eggs then everyone move out of eggs together, go kill your assigned add again, continue to watch for the million random things but if Rag’s balls are following you then kite them and keep them out of raid.

I would argue that it would be impossible for a raid leader to call out everything in most of these fights. In some cases, you’re just far too split up to be able to see everything. In other cases (like Baleroc and Ragnaros) everyone just really needs to be able to take care of their own individual assignment and watch for anything that might one shot them.

These fights were complicated and annoying and such a pain to learn.

And I LOVED IT.

For me, the harder the fight is, the better the reward when you finally get the boss down. That feeling that you had so many things to watch out for and you did them all PERFECTLY. That’s why I play this game. It’s awesome.

Staghelm was underwhelming, on our first night attempting him, our guild managed to down him on our second pull.  There was no feeling of joy, it just… happened. But the sheer crazyballs mechanics of all the other fights made it my absolute favorite tier of raiding. Many will disagree with me, I know, and that’s okay (actually it’s not okay but we’ll let it slide). But damn I loved that tier.

So Then What?

Every tier of raiding always gets easier. Your gear improves, you end up knowing the fights like the back of your hand, it’s just the circle of raiding. But then one night during Alysrazor when I was a chicken flying through rings up in the air, I came to the realization that I didn’t enjoy that fight at all.  It started out as my favorite fight of the entire instance but after it became second nature I just realized I was playing a single player game. All these complicated routines I had learned in all of the encounters had such terrible diminishing returns because there was no more decision involved. On Shannox, Beth, Rhyo, etc, I’d kill what I was supposed to and wouldn’t stand in anything that would kill me… cool. But it wasn’t fun anymore. I was just doing what I was supposed to, there was little to no communication during the fight, it was just… happening.

But then Staghelm came around and the diminishing returns didn’t hit him as hard. It took me a while to realize why I still kind of enjoyed that fight, even after it posed no challenge whatsoever for us.

It’s because we were still making decisions and acting as a guild in the middle of the fight. It’s a really basic concept, stack when you want him to go scorpion, split up when you want him to go cat. But it really kept the fight… ALIVE.

The Future of Dragon Soul

So will the same thing happen to Dragon Soul? Will I get as tired of the fights as quickly? Probably not. I’m tired of Morchok already, but the rest of the fights just still continue to feel really fresh and group-oriented for me.

The Staghelm fight alone is absolutely incredible. It takes a lot of the complication of the Firelands encounters but scales it down so that your entire group feels like they’re achieving something together.

I don’t really have an ending here. I’m not sure that I have much of a point. Maybe I’m just asking for more fights like the ones I like… that’s pretty selfish of me. Just some observations to think about. I’m not even drunk right now. I’ll make the next one funny, I promise.

 

The LFR Drinking Game

Sometimes you want to go... where everybody drives you to alcoholism.

If something happens, you take the specified number of drinks. Let’s get down to business:

Someone is wearing PvP gear – 1

Tank is wearing PvP gear – 2

Someone drops group – 1

Someone drops group during boss fight – 2

Tank drops group during boss fight – 3

Hear the “you are now queued” sound – 1

Someone is AFK for an entire encounter – 1

Someone pulls/starts the encounter before the group is ready – 2

Someone ignores a basic boss mechanic (switch to ooze, press button, etc) – 1

A DPS does less than 10k – 1

A DPS does less than 5k – 3

Raid Leader refuses to give anyone else assist – 1

Raid Leader gives everyone assist, chaos ensues – 3

Raid wipes on a boss – 3

Raid wipes on trash – 5

Successfully defeat a boss – Down one full drink

No gear that you can use drops – 1

You roll on gear and someone else wins it – 1

You roll on gear and someone else wins it for their off spec – 3

You win a piece of gear – Down one full drink

Nobody else rolls on your piece of gear – Down two full drinks

Have fun! Get drunk!

*Please Raid Responsibly*

How to LFR and The Dragon’s Soul: The Classiest Guide

Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. Won’t you have a seat?

Welcome to our raid, friend. My, what lovely feathers you’re wearing all over your person. I’m glad you’ve decided to join us. We have had a strong need for a boozekin like yourself in our group and I’m pleased to see that this void is finally filled. I’ll be discussing our plans for the evening and explaining our actions as we proceed. Please feel free to interject as you see fit.

Continue reading