I Have Discovered The Perfect Healthy Food For People That Are Trying To Stop Being Unhealthy But Also Don’t Want To Put Effort Into Cooking & Cleaning Up

Two words motherfuckers: Baked. Fish.

Step 1: The Tools

Get a baking pan or tray and some tinfoil. There are your supplies. THAT’S IT. I have maybe attached a picture of the pan that I use below or maybe just one like it, it doesn’t matter.

I use a brand called omg who the fuck cares just get some fucking pan.

If you’re slightly more civilized, you could maybe get a spatula or something, but seriously that shit doesn’t matter. You have hands and those are damn good enough.

Step 2: The Fish

Fish is A) good for you, B) delicious, and C) easy to manipulate into being whatever you want it to be because it’s your bitch.

My favorite fish is salmon. Here’s a picture of it just because I want to put more pictures in this post:

That green stuff on top is bullshit. You don’t need that.

It has a nice flavor to it, HOWEVER I understand that some people do not like this flavor. In those cases I would like to propose that you try this super cheap to buy fish called Tilapia:

This looks so ballin’.

Tilapia is what I would call a “boring loser fish” because it has such little flavor. Sometimes that’s a good thing because it means you can get more creative and add some badass flavors that you would never even dream of adding to other fish. I’ll get to that later.

Anyways, those are my two favorites, you can also experiment with other fish. I’m gonna pretend like I’m a super fish expert right now by just listing a bunch of different fish names I’ve heard and that I don’t know anything about: Trout, Swordfish, Mackerel, Fillet Mignon, Tuna, Walter, Shark, and Dolphin.

Step 3: The Flavor (aka The Flava)

This part is hella fun and makes you feel like you’re a real professional chef. Just go buy some cool looking seasonings, spices, and sauces. Oh hey, let’s call them The Three S’s. The most important thing here is to buy stuff that you think you would like and then to just play around with it. Some of the basic flavors that I would recommend are Lemon Pepper, Non-Lemon Pepper (aka Pepper), Soy Sauce, Teriyaki Sauce, Herbs de Provence, and Basil. There’s tons more, but that’s just the stuff I like to personally always keep. As far as more unique flavors go, here are some specific brands of S’s that I really like. But for the love of god, please don’t try and mix ten different flavors together like you’re some kind of seven-year old at a soda fountain.

Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning – This stuff is so good. I prefer to get the lower sodium version because it’s healthier.

EVERYTHING.

DaKine Hawaiian Da Rub – I got the”smokey” one and it has a real nice combination of coffee flavor and barbecue smokiness. Ignore the stupid name.

Sexy seasonings modeling on the beach. Hot stuff.

Huli Huli Sauce – Imagine if Soy Sauce was sweet instead of salty. Did I just blow your mind?

[Insert Another Joke]

Bronco Bob’s Roasted Raspberry Chipotle Sauce – The back of the bottle recommends using this with Salmon, but I did not like the way it tasted. On Tilapia it was great though. I wouldn’t really recommend mixing this with other stuff since it’s got such a unique flavor on it’s own.

Also it’s from Texas so bonus points for that.

Step 4: The Mix

So put the tinfoil on the pan. Make sure it creeps up onto the walls of the pan and covers all of the bottom. This is to ensure that you have to do as little work as possible when this is all over. Oh, you should probably preheat the oven when you start this part so that it’s ready to go when you’re done. Just make it somewhere between 350 and 400 degrees fahrenheit. Some people will tell you that it matters but they are wrong because it doesn’t fucking matter.

Slap the fish onto the pan (you may have to defrost it first if you keep it in the freezer like I do). I usually make two at a time, side by side. That way I can eat one and then save the other one for lunch the next day or something.

Slap whichever of The Three S’s you decided on, onto the fish. This is the part where you’re actually doing something chef-like. It’s so much fun I can’t even tell you how fun it is. Just wait til you try it and you feel all badass and chefy. Sometimes you can even say “Bam!” and pretend you’re Alton Brown.

Step 5: The Burn

Put the pan in the oven. Leave it there for about 10 minutes or something. I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. If you take it out and you’re thinking to yourself “oh dang this looks too undercooked” you can just put it back in for a bit. If you’re thinking “oh dang this thing just needs a tiny bit more cooking” you can even just wrap the excess tin foil over the fish and just let it sit there and cook a little longer with it’s own heat. Boy howdy, the wonders of tinfoil! Boy, I tell ya what.

Step 6: The Clean Up

Fuck forks. Fuck plates. You pick that fish up with your hands and you wolf it straight down through your mouth hole. If you really want to use a plate and fork then okay, but I’m warning you that you are going to have more things to clean up afterwards and that is NOT what this walkthrough is all about my friends. This is a speed run, not some fucker on GameFAQs trying to tell you how to collect every red coin/health container/magic sword.

Once the fish is off the pan, you’re gonna take that foil and just lift it straight out of the pan. If you’re using a plate like an idiot, you can take the excess juice from the foil and drip it onto your fish and that makes it taste so much better because you’re getting that extra bit of flavor. It’s really good and adds that little extra bit of moisture to the fish which I prefer. Not that I’d know, of course, because I never use a plate. I’m a wolf. A dang wolf, okay?

Then you can fold up the foil, careful not to get the pan dirty, and just throw it in the trash. AND YOU’RE DONE. Holy shit, that’s it? What about the pan? The pan stays clean most of the time, but I usually give it a quick little rinse with hot water just to be safe. But seriously, that’s it. My favorite part is that it’s faster than driving to get any fast food so I spend much less money on food and also did I mention that “Bam!” part? Plus healthiness and calories and blah blah blah whatever.

Oh uhh… this post was about druids, here’s a druid:

Wolfing that fish down. No, no. Bearing that wolf down. No wait. Bworfing that fish down. Yeah.

How to Make an Image of a Giant Pimp Appear Above Orgrimmar

Step 1: Be Horde

I’m sure you could do this as Alliance over Stormwind, but why would you want to do that? Quit being stupid and just play horde.

Step 2: Be a caster

This guide is for Druids, Mages, Priests, Shamans, and Warlocks ONLY. Death Knights, Hunters, Paladins, Rogues, and Warriors are losers.

Step 3: Dragonwrath

Go through the legendary questline to obtain Dragonwrath, Tarecgosa’s Rest. This is the longest step and will probably take you about 2-3 weeks to complete. Don’t turn in the last quest just yet though.

Step 4: Don your pimp suit and cane

You do have a pimp suit and cane, right?

Okay, good.

Step 5: Finish the last quest

You’re gonna ride this disk up top and look like such a badass while you do it.

Pretty much the definition of a pimp right here.

 Step 6: Get dat staff

There’s gonna be some crazyballs electricity and then the staff is gonna show up and you’re gonna pick it up.

Amazeballs

 Step 7: Splooge all over the internet now that you have a legendary

And don’t forget to take screenshots of funny things your guildies say:

Please be sure to look forward to my next post, entitled “How to be the first person the enemy targets in PvP (or) How I learned to quit riding into battlegrounds as Tarecgosa”

Why do alliance want kill me? :[

A Solo Guide to Saving Chris Metzen the Reindeer

"I know what you're thinking... what kind of an idiot reindeer walks into the Alterac Mountains and gets himself captured by the Greench? This idiot reindeer!"

Yeah! It’s Christmas! Or Winter’s Vale! Or something, I don’t know. This year instead of queuing up to kill a boss every day for a chance at a pet, you get to fly out to Alterac every day and save Chris Metzen for a chance at a pet.  I’ve heard a lot of people saying that this is difficult to solo, so I’ve decided to write a guide on how to do it.

Continue reading

How to LFR and The Dragon’s Soul: The Classiest Guide

Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. Won’t you have a seat?

Welcome to our raid, friend. My, what lovely feathers you’re wearing all over your person. I’m glad you’ve decided to join us. We have had a strong need for a boozekin like yourself in our group and I’m pleased to see that this void is finally filled. I’ll be discussing our plans for the evening and explaining our actions as we proceed. Please feel free to interject as you see fit.

Continue reading

Ashenvale PD: Part 2

The room was fully furnished but almost entirely empty. There was a desk, a chair, and shelves. But despite the lack of materials in the room, it succeeded in making one feel as though it was the perfect place to work. And that there was always more work to be done.

The desk was just a simple brown board with four legs. No drawers to hold anything for there was nothing to hold. The top of the desk was entirely clear except for a single scrap of parchment. Behind it was the chair, the only chair in the room. Years of wear had given it the appearance of something that would soon be nothing more than a pile of splinters. Yet for now it stood.

Shelves lined the entire perimeter of the walls, their lengths coated with dust save a few spots where items had recently been moved. One shelf, third from the top, had a larger spot without any dust. As if it had been hastily brushed away. Another, just underneath, had claw marks. And on another, third from the bottom, stood a small pool of blood.

The air in the room was heavy. Comfortably heavy. Like a warm coat of fur on a cold day. It made one feel safe. Not a false sense of security or a promise that no wrong would occur, but a promise that one would be capable of handling anything.

There were no sources of light in the room, archaic, arcane, or otherwise. But there were many holes carved into the walls to create windows of no distinctive shape. They seemed to capture the moonlight just perfectly enough to illuminate whatever needed to be seen. Aldous stood in front of one such window.

He was visibly shaken.

Continue reading

A Guide to Druid Bear Tanking in 5.0

There’s been a lot of stirring around the internet regarding the talent changes for Druids in Mists of Pandaria and how we’re going to turn into a class that shapeshifts a lot but can’t really do anything well. But people, DON’T WORRY! Druids are going to be just fine. As proof, I am going to show you exactly how bear tanking is going to work in the next expansion.

Put your minds at ease.

Continue reading

World of Warcraft Stained Glass Art Designs by Aldous and definitely not anybody else

I recently had a great idea to create some really unique designs for each class in World of Warcraft. This was definitely my idea and not anybody else’s. I think I did a pretty good job because I have a lot of talent and I definitely didn’t steal these pictures or any portion of these pictures from anybody. They’re totally 100% mine. Not stolen. Did I already say that?

Don’t steal these from me. You would basically be as disgusting as that weird brain thing from Ninja Turtles if you did. Krang, that was his name. You’d be a scum-sucking, shit-eating, hog-humping Krang-face.

Click the pictures for high-quality originals.

Continue reading

Ashenvale PD: Part 1

He didn’t see it at first. He almost missed it.

They’d been digging for so long that the sap was dripping off his bark and into his eyes.  He’d even contemplated giving up a few times, but every time those thoughts entered his head he quickly threw them right back out.  It had to be here, it just had to be.

“Can we stop yet, Grove? We’ve been at this for hours and I don’t even know what we’re looking for.”

“We’re looking for proof.”

“So what the hell are we doing here? What makes you so damn sure that we’re gonna find some proof? Durak was cleared of all the charges. Plus this isn’t exactly how I wanted to spend my Friday night.”

Grove grimaced and turned back to his digging. Twig didn’t get it. He never did. Guys like Durak always had something to hide. It’s just a matter of finding that something.  That something could mean the difference between life and…

No. Back to work.

Continue reading

Blizzcon 2011 Live: Impressions From the Pre-Alpha

Yesterday we got a chance to play the pre-alpha version of Mists of Pandaria. No screenshots were able to be taken of course, so I spent about 16 hours going over every detail just so that I could make sure to give you the most accurate information.

The first thing you notice on the character select screen is that Blizzard has apparently decided to add a new race to the game. Not sure why we haven’t heard much of this from other sources, but this new race looks like an unusually larger scale version of the existing Pandaren Monk model (having trouble linking here, but you can search my older post regarding these tiny Pandaren).

Anyways, I started up the pre-alpha and in order to give you the most accurate update on all the changes, I chose to play a Tauren Druid. Since that is the class I’m most familiar with, it would give me a great chance to keep you informed on every single detail that has changed.

I’m very disappointed to say that so far, Druids are seeing little to no change in this version of the game. I replayed the starting zone over and over and over just to make sure I wasn’t missing something, each time with more and more tears welled up in my eyes. This is how a heart breaks.

All the exciting new talents we’ve heard about for 5.0? None, no new talents for us. All the crazy screenshots we’ve seen of the new Pandarian environments? Nope, we still start in Thunder Bluff. Exciting new features we’ve heard about in 5.0 like the raid finder and transmogrification? Druids appear to have no access to these amazing gameplay changes.

Please Blizzard, don’t let us lag behind all of the other classes. We deserve these new features as much as everyone else!