Blizzard Announces Plans To Just Fucking Release A Goddamn Difficulty Slider Already

In a┬ápress conference held earlier today, Blizzard President Mike Morhaime announced their latest plans to “just fucking release a goddamn difficulty slider already” for their popular online video game, The World of Warcraft.

We’re tired of this shit. Half of you fuckers are like “this is too easy” and the other half of you are saying “this shit’s too hard” and we’re just standing here looking like a bunch of goddamn assholes because you fuckers can’t make up your minds. We’re tired of it. We’re fucking done with it.

Later that day, the latest patch for the beta version of their next expansion, The Mists of Pandaria, included an early prototype of the difficulty adjustment option.

So we’re gonna test some shit out on the beta where you can pick from ten different difficulties. It’s not enough. We know it’s not, that would just be retarded. You know how many people play this game? I don’t have the numbers here but it’s probably more than the population of the fucking city you live in. You think ten difficulty settings is enough for that many assholes? We’re just gonna test this shit out with ten and then if it works we’re gonna throw in a percentage slider thingy so you can pick from a hundred difficulty settings.

Morhaime explained that they receive fan criticism on a daily basis and that they’re hoping this new system will quell some of the most common complaints directed at raid difficulty.

Not a single one of you fuckers is gonna be able to say shit. You want easy? You got easy. You want hard? You got hard. You want something in between? You got something in between. YOU. CAN’T. SAY. SHIT. FUCKERS.

The Blizzard president went on to explain that each level of difficulty would result in players being able to obtain progressively better levels of gear. For example, difficulty level 5 would drop items of level 485, difficulty 15 would drop 495, difficulty 40 would drop 520, and so on and so forth.

That oughta keep you twats busy. And you know what? We’re gonna make level 100 so goddamn impossible that not a single one of you sponsored fuckers is gonna be able to beat it. Actually, check this shit out: if you can beat level 100 then you get to be Blizzard president. What? Yeah, I just fucking did that. Come at me.

When asked if Blizzard had any plans to change the “Raid Finder” version introduced in their previous expansion, Morhaime responded:

LFR is a bag of dicks. And if you’re doing nothing but LFR… well, quite frankly, a bag of dicks is where you belong. We’re just gonna take out the item level restrictions and the “once a week” loot limit and make it a shitty cesspit where you go to drown in buckets of green quality gear and semen. We’re hoping this will result in making the system as big a bag of dicks as we originally intended it to be.