Blizzard Announces Plans To Just Fucking Release A Goddamn Difficulty Slider Already

In a press conference held earlier today, Blizzard President Mike Morhaime announced their latest plans to “just fucking release a goddamn difficulty slider already” for their popular online video game, The World of Warcraft.

We’re tired of this shit. Half of you fuckers are like “this is too easy” and the other half of you are saying “this shit’s too hard” and we’re just standing here looking like a bunch of goddamn assholes because you fuckers can’t make up your minds. We’re tired of it. We’re fucking done with it.

Later that day, the latest patch for the beta version of their next expansion, The Mists of Pandaria, included an early prototype of the difficulty adjustment option.

So we’re gonna test some shit out on the beta where you can pick from ten different difficulties. It’s not enough. We know it’s not, that would just be retarded. You know how many people play this game? I don’t have the numbers here but it’s probably more than the population of the fucking city you live in. You think ten difficulty settings is enough for that many assholes? We’re just gonna test this shit out with ten and then if it works we’re gonna throw in a percentage slider thingy so you can pick from a hundred difficulty settings.

Morhaime explained that they receive fan criticism on a daily basis and that they’re hoping this new system will quell some of the most common complaints directed at raid difficulty.

Not a single one of you fuckers is gonna be able to say shit. You want easy? You got easy. You want hard? You got hard. You want something in between? You got something in between. YOU. CAN’T. SAY. SHIT. FUCKERS.

The Blizzard president went on to explain that each level of difficulty would result in players being able to obtain progressively better levels of gear. For example, difficulty level 5 would drop items of level 485, difficulty 15 would drop 495, difficulty 40 would drop 520, and so on and so forth.

That oughta keep you twats busy. And you know what? We’re gonna make level 100 so goddamn impossible that not a single one of you sponsored fuckers is gonna be able to beat it. Actually, check this shit out: if you can beat level 100 then you get to be Blizzard president. What? Yeah, I just fucking did that. Come at me.

When asked if Blizzard had any plans to change the “Raid Finder” version introduced in their previous expansion, Morhaime responded:

LFR is a bag of dicks. And if you’re doing nothing but LFR… well, quite frankly, a bag of dicks is where you belong. We’re just gonna take out the item level restrictions and the “once a week” loot limit and make it a shitty cesspit where you go to drown in buckets of green quality gear and semen. We’re hoping this will result in making the system as big a bag of dicks as we originally intended it to be.

A Short Thesis on the “Free Love” Sexuality of the Pandaren Race

What do we know about the Pandaren?

We know that, until our arrival, they had successfully created a society that was devoid of all hatred, all anger, all fear. Their culture is one with absolutely no negativity, a utopia of sorts. However this utopia was born out of necessity. The Sha that infested the lands sprang up whenever negativity was nearby. Utopia or death… the choice was simple.

But what does it really mean to live in a land with no negativity? And how does that relate to sexuality?

Think for a moment about your own life and all of the negativity associated with modern relationships. Fear, jealousy, rejection, disappointment. Every single one of you has felt one of those emotions at some point in your life as a result of a relationship. Of course, there are plenty of positive things that we can associate with them, but in this case it’s not the amount of positive that matters, it’s the simple existence of any negativity whatsoever.

If the Sha existed in our world, we’d be dead from gender and sexuality before you started factoring in any other source of negativity.

So what do the Pandaren do? They completely redefine relationships. There is no marriage. No courting process. Everyone just loves everyone. They’re all willing and able to have sexual relations with another at any given moment.

This is the only way they know how to do things. It’s just been passed on from generation to generation to generation and it’s all ingrained into their systems at this point.

Perhaps we can imagine Pandaria to be much like Huxley’s Brave New World. A world in which people are not reprimanded for open sexuality, but instead they are praised for it. Take this passage from the book for example:

Nodding, “He patted me on the behind this afternoon,” said Lenina.

“There, you see!” Fanny was triumphant. “That shows what he stands for. The strictest conventionality.”

You can see from the way Lenina and Fanny speak about a male’s actions shows us how people would be expected to behave in a utopia such as Pandaria. People would be upset if you didn’t compliment them on their beauty at every turn.

This is why I am very upset about a certain character named Ji Firepaw that currently exists on the beta.

Currently he says to male players: “You’ve got a strong look to you! I bet you’re all the rage with the ladies!” To female players he says: “You’re some kind of gorgeous, aren’t you? I bet you can’t keep the men off of you!”

Wow! This is perfect! If we are to believe that the Pandaren live in a utopia with absolutely no negativity then this line really does a lot to help us solidify this. Women are crazy about men! Men are crazy about women! Everybody loves to sleep with everybody! Men will compliment other men on their prowess because there is no jealousy! That is exactly how things would work in their society. I love the raw honesty Blizzard, it’s wonderful.

But here’s what’s really bothering me. It just doesn’t seem… equal. We could really have used a strong female character showing us the female perspective. After all, the only thing we’re really seeing right now is the male’s perspective. We really need to get both sides of things to get a full picture of Pandaren society.

Here’s my proposal. Add in a character named Mui Swiftpaw. To female characters she should say: “Oh, honey! You look absolutely stunning! That milkshake of yours is gonna bring all the boys to the yard!” And to male characters she should say: “Hubba hubba. What brings you around tall, dark & handsome?”

This is really necessary. Otherwise some people who jump to conclusions too quickly won’t even consider the Pandaren way of life and they might just get upset when they think this is one male character’s viewpoint and not the entire culture. Some of them also forget that you’re just a company that’s writing a fictional story and they invest so much of their lives into the game that they forget there’s even a distinction. I know we sometimes forget about people like that, but with a game as popular as yours that’s filled with such a variety of people, there’s bound to be a few of them.

And don’t even think of taking that line out. Ji wouldn’t be in character if you did that.

Probably Not How Any Real Blizzard Meetings Work

Morhaime: Okay everybody, we’re good to go with the WoW Annual Pass. The web team has assured us that we’ll be good to go for Blizzcon so we’re still on track to announce it there. We’re definitely gonna do the free copy of Diablo but we need a few more perks for our subscribers who might not care about D3. So let’s start brainstorming. Who’s got some ideas?

Stockton: What about an exclusive pet? I mean, we’re doing the whole pet battle thing so maybe that would be a nice way to…

Chilton: No, no, no. We agreed that the pet battle thing is gonna be pretty controversial for the more hardcore crowd. This would just be more fuel for their fire. We need to do something different with this.

Street: How about an extra talent point for every…

Metzen: Shut up, Greg. Sorry I’m late everybody, just had to fire our valet guy. He was about to get mud all over my carpeting. Did I miss anything?

Morhaime: Hey Chris. No, we’re just getting started. Cory, I really like that idea but I agree with Tom. We don’t want to do a pet overload.

Stockton: Okay, how about a mount then? It’s cosmetic but we could still make it cool enough that people will want it.

Chilton: I could get behind that. It would definitely have to be appealing enough to sway people who might be on the fence.

Street: Ooh, I know. We could make it a giant crab that walks sideways and it has a…

Metzen: Shut up, Greg.

Morhaime: Guys, guys. Blizzcon is only a month away. There’s no way the art team is going to be able to get a mount ready that quickly.

Metzen: So? We just recycle somethink they’re already working on. Can we just take something from D3? I mean, yeah, we still have to animate it into WoW but who says we have to have it ready at Blizzcon? Just throw up a picture and tell them they’ll get it in the next patch. Done.

Stockton: That’s actually not a bad idea. Maybe some sort of monstrous creature from D3′s bestiary would work.

Morhaime: Well let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. We’ll get with the art teams and see what they have and if we can get that going quickly enough then we go with a mount. Otherwise, we nix it. I’ll write it up on the board here for now.

Street: Don’t forget to write down the crab thing, too.

Metzen: Shut up, Greg.

Morhaime: Okay what else? That’s good but it’s still not enough.

Metzen: Not enough? It’s a damn mount. They love that shit, they don’t need anything else.

Morhaime. But what if the mounts don’t work out, Chris? Come on. Let’s get serious here. We need more. Tom? Cory? Any ideas?

Chilton: I don’t know. This is really tough. I want to give them a lot of cool things but we can’t really do anything game-breaking or anything where people absolutely have to have the pass.

Stockton: I was thinking some sort of priority registration or something for Blizzcon next year.

Metzen: Oh, I can’t do Blizzcon next year. I’ve got a thing.

Morhaime: Okay, let me just make a quick note here… cancel… blizzcon… okay got it.

Stockton: You know what? That actually made me think of something. What if we gave them priority something else? Like they can get Mists before everyone else or something?

Chilton: That wouldn’t really be fair, you’d still be forcing people to get the annual pass if they want realm first or anything like that. Races for achievements would be completely broken.

Street: We could remove achievements.

Metzen: YES!

Morhaime: Wait what? You’re agreeing with that?

Metzen: Oh sorry, I just beat my high score on Bejeweled.

Street: So does that mean we’re removing achievements? I’ll start writing a dev watercooler about it.

All: Shut up, Greg.

Metzen: Alright, so you need something that lets people be feel like they’re important and first but doesn’t actually mean shit? Beta access. Done.

Chilton: Hmm…

Morhaime: Actually, I like that a lot. Tom? Cory? Thoughts?

Stockton: No objections from me.

Chilton: That actually might be a good way to find more bugs in the beta. To really flood it with people but still make them feel like they’re getting something special. I like it.

Street: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whaaaaaaat? You guys that’s crazy. No way the beta servers are gonna be able to accommodate that many people.

Metzen: Seriously, why do we keep inviting this guy to meetings?

Morhaime: Greg. Don’t be stupid. With that many people, nobody’s going to expect to be able to play all at once. The betas are there to help us test stuff out. People know that and they know that crashing the servers isn’t gonna let us test anything.

Street: So… queue times to get onto the servers?

All: *groan*

Stockton: I really think we need to get him some help. Like, I’m not even joking here. Greg might have some sort of serious problem. Did he seriously just suggest going back to LK-era queue times to get onto servers? That shit completely blew up in our face. I don’t want to go back to that, even if it is just for the beta.

Chilton: You guys already know how I feel about this guy. I’m not even gonna waste my breath repeating it.

Metzen: So are we done here? D3, Mount, Beta. We good?

Chilton: Oh, you know what? Let’s just make sure the legal team works with the web team to make sure we word all this stuff correctly. Mount in the next patch, D3 when it releases, beta when it’s available. Otherwise the crazier ones are gonna whine all over the forums about how they didn’t get this stuff instantly.

Stockton: Oh my god, you’re right. You know, it’s funny… as long as we’ve been doing this, I never remember that we have to plan this stuff out for the lowest common denominator of our fanbase. Could you just imagine people on the forums going apeshit about the beta not being available for them yet?

Metzen: Wait, are you kidding me? We gotta deal with bullshit like that? It’s ready when it’s ready. Tough titties.

Morhaime: Yeah, but some people just don’t get that. We’ll make sure to add that into the legalese. Good catch, Tom. We really dodged a bullet there.

Metzen: Who wants to hear some Thrall lines?

All: *cheer*

I don't know where I found this picture but it's a pretty good cap for this post. The end.