The LFR Drinking Game 5.0

man oh man, you guys have totally got to GIS “costume pugs”

Hi folks. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s get down to business.
The old LFR drinking game is horribly outdated. It needs updating. Wait a minute, wouldn’t the opposite of “outdated” be “indated”? And “updating” would be the opposite of “downdating.” THESE ARE WORDS? WHAT IS GOING ON.

Also, due to the tragic deaths of a guild in South Dakota after their attempts to complete my original drinking game, I am now legally obligated to severely reduce the number of reasons to drink to make the game more “realistic.” Realistic for who, a fucking pussy? Anyways, if you want to play “LFR Classic Crunksauce Drunkboss Mode” then just quadruple all of the given values for how many drinks you should take. LET’S GO!!!

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Aldous the Boozekin Announces Plans to Make ‘Dwindling Tentaclechins’ a 30-Part Series

Originally planned as only a four post series, Aldous the Boozekin announced today that his popular blog series “Dwindling Tentaclechins” would be extended to thirty posts.

I’ve just created far too many interesting characters that I want to continue to explore further. It would simply be impossible to cover that much ground with just one more blog post.

Fans of the series are excited, to the point that Dwindling Tentaclechins-mania was spreading all over social media this afternoon, making it a trending topic on several networks including Twitter and Pinterest.

But not everyone is excited about today’s announcement. Some fans are heavily criticizing Aldous’ announcement today.

He’s lost control of his universe. He’s just made it too massive and now he has no idea what he’s doing. Don’t get me wrong, I loved post two. By far, the best in the series. It provided just enough depth to really give his world the proper sense of grandeur while still keeping things manageable.  But in post three it just felt like he was moving into completely different directions that had nothing to do with the central plot. I’m worried this is just gonna keep on going and we’re gonna end up getting posts about characters we just don’t have any investment in at all.

Other fans have their own concerns as well.

Oh man, no way is he actually going to finish it. Have you seen how fat this dude is? He’s gonna die and they’re just gonna get someone else to finish the series like they always do. It’s totally gonna suck.

Despite these concerns, the majority of fans were thrilled to hear about some exciting possibilties that the Boozekin had to share. When asked about the possibility of an adaptation, Aldous had this to say:

It’s true, I’ve been in talks with HBO and there’s the possibility that they’ll be picking up Dwindling Tentaclechins for a mini-series. Nothing is final and it would be a long road to travel to actually get there, but it seems like there’s actually a pretty good chance that it could happen.

We’ll keep you updated with more news as it’s revealed. In the meantime, like most of you, this news has gotten us so excited that we’re going to go back and reread what’s written of the series so far. Happy trails!

Blizzard Announces Plans To Just Fucking Release A Goddamn Difficulty Slider Already

In a press conference held earlier today, Blizzard President Mike Morhaime announced their latest plans to “just fucking release a goddamn difficulty slider already” for their popular online video game, The World of Warcraft.

We’re tired of this shit. Half of you fuckers are like “this is too easy” and the other half of you are saying “this shit’s too hard” and we’re just standing here looking like a bunch of goddamn assholes because you fuckers can’t make up your minds. We’re tired of it. We’re fucking done with it.

Later that day, the latest patch for the beta version of their next expansion, The Mists of Pandaria, included an early prototype of the difficulty adjustment option.

So we’re gonna test some shit out on the beta where you can pick from ten different difficulties. It’s not enough. We know it’s not, that would just be retarded. You know how many people play this game? I don’t have the numbers here but it’s probably more than the population of the fucking city you live in. You think ten difficulty settings is enough for that many assholes? We’re just gonna test this shit out with ten and then if it works we’re gonna throw in a percentage slider thingy so you can pick from a hundred difficulty settings.

Morhaime explained that they receive fan criticism on a daily basis and that they’re hoping this new system will quell some of the most common complaints directed at raid difficulty.

Not a single one of you fuckers is gonna be able to say shit. You want easy? You got easy. You want hard? You got hard. You want something in between? You got something in between. YOU. CAN’T. SAY. SHIT. FUCKERS.

The Blizzard president went on to explain that each level of difficulty would result in players being able to obtain progressively better levels of gear. For example, difficulty level 5 would drop items of level 485, difficulty 15 would drop 495, difficulty 40 would drop 520, and so on and so forth.

That oughta keep you twats busy. And you know what? We’re gonna make level 100 so goddamn impossible that not a single one of you sponsored fuckers is gonna be able to beat it. Actually, check this shit out: if you can beat level 100 then you get to be Blizzard president. What? Yeah, I just fucking did that. Come at me.

When asked if Blizzard had any plans to change the “Raid Finder” version introduced in their previous expansion, Morhaime responded:

LFR is a bag of dicks. And if you’re doing nothing but LFR… well, quite frankly, a bag of dicks is where you belong. We’re just gonna take out the item level restrictions and the “once a week” loot limit and make it a shitty cesspit where you go to drown in buckets of green quality gear and semen. We’re hoping this will result in making the system as big a bag of dicks as we originally intended it to be.

Top 5 Cataclysm Content I’ll Miss When Mists Comes Out

5. That awesome Icecrown farming spot

Believe it or not, this picture was taken by a bird!

When the Argent Tournament first sprang to life, it added a couple of little daily quest areas. Once of these areas was Deathspeaker’s Watch and it was filled with tons of level 85 mobs. Nothing too special about it.

Fast forward to nowzers. You’ve got the annoying quest to collect 250 ears for the Darkmoon Faire and you’ve got random holidays where you can farm kills for holiday currencies of sorts. You know what area is perfect for that? That’s right, it’s the dang Deathspeaker’s Watch. These level 85 mobs are just barely at the cutoff to give XP and so they melt like a stick of butter getting hit by a beam of fire from the moon. The arrival of Mists will mean that these mobs will be too low level to be killworthy at all :(

4. Stranglethorn Arena Master & Fishing Extravaganza

 

Zero fishies?!?!

When Blizzard goes through with their “Low-Level Zone Merging” program will it mean that I have to compete with the entire WORLD if I want to win a Stranglethorn Arena Master Trinket?!?!?! Will it mean that the entire WORLD is gonna be gunnin’ for my pools of tastyfishies?!?!?!?! :'(

3. Getting to hang out in Dalaran again

Dalaran: Azeroth’s largest congregation of magic users and elephant turds.

Cataclysm meant that nobody had to hang out in Northrend again. Which meant that I would not drop down to 3 frames per hour every time I tried to enter Dalaran because everybody was riding in a goddamn mammoth train around the city. Which meant that I could safely hang out there again without destroying my computer because it’s the coolest city ever. Unfortunately, Mists will require me to hang out in some Pandarian city so that I can have easy enough access to all that new continent stuff :(

2. The “Thrall’s Balls” Quote

:(

1. Icecrown Citadel

My guildies call him “The Lunch King” because seriously he needs to watch his cholesterol.

When ICC first came out, it was right around the time that I was first starting to raid more seriously. It was fun, and we eventually got the Lich King down, but we were by no means “great” raiders and so we had no chance of getting most of the achievements or heroic content downed. Regardless, it was a really fun, well-designed instance. So now that we’re all 85 and well practiced, ICC is really fun to go back to. It’s super easy so there’s not much risk of death, unless you completely ignore the mechanincs and keep your group disorganized, so you still get all those nostalgic feelings from when you were first running the place.

I fear that once Mists comes out, we’ll all outgear ICC way too much and it’ll lose that perfect balance of difficulty to nostalgia :(

A Short Thesis on the “Free Love” Sexuality of the Pandaren Race

What do we know about the Pandaren?

We know that, until our arrival, they had successfully created a society that was devoid of all hatred, all anger, all fear. Their culture is one with absolutely no negativity, a utopia of sorts. However this utopia was born out of necessity. The Sha that infested the lands sprang up whenever negativity was nearby. Utopia or death… the choice was simple.

But what does it really mean to live in a land with no negativity? And how does that relate to sexuality?

Think for a moment about your own life and all of the negativity associated with modern relationships. Fear, jealousy, rejection, disappointment. Every single one of you has felt one of those emotions at some point in your life as a result of a relationship. Of course, there are plenty of positive things that we can associate with them, but in this case it’s not the amount of positive that matters, it’s the simple existence of any negativity whatsoever.

If the Sha existed in our world, we’d be dead from gender and sexuality before you started factoring in any other source of negativity.

So what do the Pandaren do? They completely redefine relationships. There is no marriage. No courting process. Everyone just loves everyone. They’re all willing and able to have sexual relations with another at any given moment.

This is the only way they know how to do things. It’s just been passed on from generation to generation to generation and it’s all ingrained into their systems at this point.

Perhaps we can imagine Pandaria to be much like Huxley’s Brave New World. A world in which people are not reprimanded for open sexuality, but instead they are praised for it. Take this passage from the book for example:

Nodding, “He patted me on the behind this afternoon,” said Lenina.

“There, you see!” Fanny was triumphant. “That shows what he stands for. The strictest conventionality.”

You can see from the way Lenina and Fanny speak about a male’s actions shows us how people would be expected to behave in a utopia such as Pandaria. People would be upset if you didn’t compliment them on their beauty at every turn.

This is why I am very upset about a certain character named Ji Firepaw that currently exists on the beta.

Currently he says to male players: “You’ve got a strong look to you! I bet you’re all the rage with the ladies!” To female players he says: “You’re some kind of gorgeous, aren’t you? I bet you can’t keep the men off of you!”

Wow! This is perfect! If we are to believe that the Pandaren live in a utopia with absolutely no negativity then this line really does a lot to help us solidify this. Women are crazy about men! Men are crazy about women! Everybody loves to sleep with everybody! Men will compliment other men on their prowess because there is no jealousy! That is exactly how things would work in their society. I love the raw honesty Blizzard, it’s wonderful.

But here’s what’s really bothering me. It just doesn’t seem… equal. We could really have used a strong female character showing us the female perspective. After all, the only thing we’re really seeing right now is the male’s perspective. We really need to get both sides of things to get a full picture of Pandaren society.

Here’s my proposal. Add in a character named Mui Swiftpaw. To female characters she should say: “Oh, honey! You look absolutely stunning! That milkshake of yours is gonna bring all the boys to the yard!” And to male characters she should say: “Hubba hubba. What brings you around tall, dark & handsome?”

This is really necessary. Otherwise some people who jump to conclusions too quickly won’t even consider the Pandaren way of life and they might just get upset when they think this is one male character’s viewpoint and not the entire culture. Some of them also forget that you’re just a company that’s writing a fictional story and they invest so much of their lives into the game that they forget there’s even a distinction. I know we sometimes forget about people like that, but with a game as popular as yours that’s filled with such a variety of people, there’s bound to be a few of them.

And don’t even think of taking that line out. Ji wouldn’t be in character if you did that.