The LFR Drinking Game 5.0

man oh man, you guys have totally got to GIS “costume pugs”

Hi folks. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s get down to business.
The old LFR drinking game is horribly outdated. It needs updating. Wait a minute, wouldn’t the opposite of “outdated” be “indated”? And “updating” would be the opposite of “downdating.” THESE ARE WORDS? WHAT IS GOING ON.

Also, due to the tragic deaths of a guild in South Dakota after their attempts to complete my original drinking game, I am now legally obligated to severely reduce the number of reasons to drink to make the game more “realistic.” Realistic for who, a fucking pussy? Anyways, if you want to play “LFR Classic Crunksauce Drunkboss Mode” then just quadruple all of the given values for how many drinks you should take. LET’S GO!!!

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Aldous the Boozekin Announces Plans to Make ‘Dwindling Tentaclechins’ a 30-Part Series

Originally planned as only a four post series, Aldous the Boozekin announced today that his popular blog series “Dwindling Tentaclechins” would be extended to thirty posts.

I’ve just created far too many interesting characters that I want to continue to explore further. It would simply be impossible to cover that much ground with just one more blog post.

Fans of the series are excited, to the point that Dwindling Tentaclechins-mania was spreading all over social media this afternoon, making it a trending topic on several networks including Twitter and Pinterest.

But not everyone is excited about today’s announcement. Some fans are heavily criticizing Aldous’ announcement today.

He’s lost control of his universe. He’s just made it too massive and now he has no idea what he’s doing. Don’t get me wrong, I loved post two. By far, the best in the series. It provided just enough depth to really give his world the proper sense of grandeur while still keeping things manageable.  But in post three it just felt like he was moving into completely different directions that had nothing to do with the central plot. I’m worried this is just gonna keep on going and we’re gonna end up getting posts about characters we just don’t have any investment in at all.

Other fans have their own concerns as well.

Oh man, no way is he actually going to finish it. Have you seen how fat this dude is? He’s gonna die and they’re just gonna get someone else to finish the series like they always do. It’s totally gonna suck.

Despite these concerns, the majority of fans were thrilled to hear about some exciting possibilties that the Boozekin had to share. When asked about the possibility of an adaptation, Aldous had this to say:

It’s true, I’ve been in talks with HBO and there’s the possibility that they’ll be picking up Dwindling Tentaclechins for a mini-series. Nothing is final and it would be a long road to travel to actually get there, but it seems like there’s actually a pretty good chance that it could happen.

We’ll keep you updated with more news as it’s revealed. In the meantime, like most of you, this news has gotten us so excited that we’re going to go back and reread what’s written of the series so far. Happy trails!

News Bulletin: IT Companies Around The Globe Forced To Schedule “Dark Days”

Fiscal September will come to a very strange close for many IT companies who collectively announced today that they would go dark in the last week of the month. A spokesperson for IBM gave the following statement, nearly identical to statements given by upwards of ten thousand different companies worldwide:

Unusually, over ninety percent of our techs have requested time off during this week of the year. We typically handle our requests for time off in a simple “first come first serve” manner, but when we began telling our employees that we couldn’t fulfill their requests they began raving and violently thrashing about our offices. We were concerned at first, but when we realized how many of our peers in the industry were experiencing the same thing we realized it would just be best to just let them take the week off.

A spokesperson for Symantec detailed their rationale for the decision:

Honestly, it works out best for our company. Our employees have vacation time that they are entitled to. Going dark for this week, during a relatively slow period of business in the year, allows us to ensure that our staff will be at optimal efficiency going into what is sure to be another very profitable fourth quarter.

EMC Corporation gave the following statement as well:

This event is eerily similar to what we went through during the second week of fiscal December back in 2010, when the majority of our employees all called out sick during the exact same days. We never discovered the exact reasoning behind the mass unavailability of our employees, but considering that it had little to no effect on our business we’re really not too concerned with going dark between September 23 and September 28.

We highly recommend checking any networks that you or your company uses prior to these dates, as finding a support technician will be very difficult during this time. We are doubtful that we’ll learn what is going on behind these strange occurrences, but we’ll be sure to get that information to you if it ever becomes available.

Blizzard Announces Plans To Just Fucking Release A Goddamn Difficulty Slider Already

In a press conference held earlier today, Blizzard President Mike Morhaime announced their latest plans to “just fucking release a goddamn difficulty slider already” for their popular online video game, The World of Warcraft.

We’re tired of this shit. Half of you fuckers are like “this is too easy” and the other half of you are saying “this shit’s too hard” and we’re just standing here looking like a bunch of goddamn assholes because you fuckers can’t make up your minds. We’re tired of it. We’re fucking done with it.

Later that day, the latest patch for the beta version of their next expansion, The Mists of Pandaria, included an early prototype of the difficulty adjustment option.

So we’re gonna test some shit out on the beta where you can pick from ten different difficulties. It’s not enough. We know it’s not, that would just be retarded. You know how many people play this game? I don’t have the numbers here but it’s probably more than the population of the fucking city you live in. You think ten difficulty settings is enough for that many assholes? We’re just gonna test this shit out with ten and then if it works we’re gonna throw in a percentage slider thingy so you can pick from a hundred difficulty settings.

Morhaime explained that they receive fan criticism on a daily basis and that they’re hoping this new system will quell some of the most common complaints directed at raid difficulty.

Not a single one of you fuckers is gonna be able to say shit. You want easy? You got easy. You want hard? You got hard. You want something in between? You got something in between. YOU. CAN’T. SAY. SHIT. FUCKERS.

The Blizzard president went on to explain that each level of difficulty would result in players being able to obtain progressively better levels of gear. For example, difficulty level 5 would drop items of level 485, difficulty 15 would drop 495, difficulty 40 would drop 520, and so on and so forth.

That oughta keep you twats busy. And you know what? We’re gonna make level 100 so goddamn impossible that not a single one of you sponsored fuckers is gonna be able to beat it. Actually, check this shit out: if you can beat level 100 then you get to be Blizzard president. What? Yeah, I just fucking did that. Come at me.

When asked if Blizzard had any plans to change the “Raid Finder” version introduced in their previous expansion, Morhaime responded:

LFR is a bag of dicks. And if you’re doing nothing but LFR… well, quite frankly, a bag of dicks is where you belong. We’re just gonna take out the item level restrictions and the “once a week” loot limit and make it a shitty cesspit where you go to drown in buckets of green quality gear and semen. We’re hoping this will result in making the system as big a bag of dicks as we originally intended it to be.

Top 5 Cataclysm Content I’ll Miss When Mists Comes Out

5. That awesome Icecrown farming spot

Believe it or not, this picture was taken by a bird!

When the Argent Tournament first sprang to life, it added a couple of little daily quest areas. Once of these areas was Deathspeaker’s Watch and it was filled with tons of level 85 mobs. Nothing too special about it.

Fast forward to nowzers. You’ve got the annoying quest to collect 250 ears for the Darkmoon Faire and you’ve got random holidays where you can farm kills for holiday currencies of sorts. You know what area is perfect for that? That’s right, it’s the dang Deathspeaker’s Watch. These level 85 mobs are just barely at the cutoff to give XP and so they melt like a stick of butter getting hit by a beam of fire from the moon. The arrival of Mists will mean that these mobs will be too low level to be killworthy at all :(

4. Stranglethorn Arena Master & Fishing Extravaganza

 

Zero fishies?!?!

When Blizzard goes through with their “Low-Level Zone Merging” program will it mean that I have to compete with the entire WORLD if I want to win a Stranglethorn Arena Master Trinket?!?!?! Will it mean that the entire WORLD is gonna be gunnin’ for my pools of tastyfishies?!?!?!?! :'(

3. Getting to hang out in Dalaran again

Dalaran: Azeroth’s largest congregation of magic users and elephant turds.

Cataclysm meant that nobody had to hang out in Northrend again. Which meant that I would not drop down to 3 frames per hour every time I tried to enter Dalaran because everybody was riding in a goddamn mammoth train around the city. Which meant that I could safely hang out there again without destroying my computer because it’s the coolest city ever. Unfortunately, Mists will require me to hang out in some Pandarian city so that I can have easy enough access to all that new continent stuff :(

2. The “Thrall’s Balls” Quote

:(

1. Icecrown Citadel

My guildies call him “The Lunch King” because seriously he needs to watch his cholesterol.

When ICC first came out, it was right around the time that I was first starting to raid more seriously. It was fun, and we eventually got the Lich King down, but we were by no means “great” raiders and so we had no chance of getting most of the achievements or heroic content downed. Regardless, it was a really fun, well-designed instance. So now that we’re all 85 and well practiced, ICC is really fun to go back to. It’s super easy so there’s not much risk of death, unless you completely ignore the mechanincs and keep your group disorganized, so you still get all those nostalgic feelings from when you were first running the place.

I fear that once Mists comes out, we’ll all outgear ICC way too much and it’ll lose that perfect balance of difficulty to nostalgia :(

I Have Discovered The Perfect Healthy Food For People That Are Trying To Stop Being Unhealthy But Also Don’t Want To Put Effort Into Cooking & Cleaning Up

Two words motherfuckers: Baked. Fish.

Step 1: The Tools

Get a baking pan or tray and some tinfoil. There are your supplies. THAT’S IT. I have maybe attached a picture of the pan that I use below or maybe just one like it, it doesn’t matter.

I use a brand called omg who the fuck cares just get some fucking pan.

If you’re slightly more civilized, you could maybe get a spatula or something, but seriously that shit doesn’t matter. You have hands and those are damn good enough.

Step 2: The Fish

Fish is A) good for you, B) delicious, and C) easy to manipulate into being whatever you want it to be because it’s your bitch.

My favorite fish is salmon. Here’s a picture of it just because I want to put more pictures in this post:

That green stuff on top is bullshit. You don’t need that.

It has a nice flavor to it, HOWEVER I understand that some people do not like this flavor. In those cases I would like to propose that you try this super cheap to buy fish called Tilapia:

This looks so ballin’.

Tilapia is what I would call a “boring loser fish” because it has such little flavor. Sometimes that’s a good thing because it means you can get more creative and add some badass flavors that you would never even dream of adding to other fish. I’ll get to that later.

Anyways, those are my two favorites, you can also experiment with other fish. I’m gonna pretend like I’m a super fish expert right now by just listing a bunch of different fish names I’ve heard and that I don’t know anything about: Trout, Swordfish, Mackerel, Fillet Mignon, Tuna, Walter, Shark, and Dolphin.

Step 3: The Flavor (aka The Flava)

This part is hella fun and makes you feel like you’re a real professional chef. Just go buy some cool looking seasonings, spices, and sauces. Oh hey, let’s call them The Three S’s. The most important thing here is to buy stuff that you think you would like and then to just play around with it. Some of the basic flavors that I would recommend are Lemon Pepper, Non-Lemon Pepper (aka Pepper), Soy Sauce, Teriyaki Sauce, Herbs de Provence, and Basil. There’s tons more, but that’s just the stuff I like to personally always keep. As far as more unique flavors go, here are some specific brands of S’s that I really like. But for the love of god, please don’t try and mix ten different flavors together like you’re some kind of seven-year old at a soda fountain.

Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning – This stuff is so good. I prefer to get the lower sodium version because it’s healthier.

EVERYTHING.

DaKine Hawaiian Da Rub – I got the”smokey” one and it has a real nice combination of coffee flavor and barbecue smokiness. Ignore the stupid name.

Sexy seasonings modeling on the beach. Hot stuff.

Huli Huli Sauce – Imagine if Soy Sauce was sweet instead of salty. Did I just blow your mind?

[Insert Another Joke]

Bronco Bob’s Roasted Raspberry Chipotle Sauce – The back of the bottle recommends using this with Salmon, but I did not like the way it tasted. On Tilapia it was great though. I wouldn’t really recommend mixing this with other stuff since it’s got such a unique flavor on it’s own.

Also it’s from Texas so bonus points for that.

Step 4: The Mix

So put the tinfoil on the pan. Make sure it creeps up onto the walls of the pan and covers all of the bottom. This is to ensure that you have to do as little work as possible when this is all over. Oh, you should probably preheat the oven when you start this part so that it’s ready to go when you’re done. Just make it somewhere between 350 and 400 degrees fahrenheit. Some people will tell you that it matters but they are wrong because it doesn’t fucking matter.

Slap the fish onto the pan (you may have to defrost it first if you keep it in the freezer like I do). I usually make two at a time, side by side. That way I can eat one and then save the other one for lunch the next day or something.

Slap whichever of The Three S’s you decided on, onto the fish. This is the part where you’re actually doing something chef-like. It’s so much fun I can’t even tell you how fun it is. Just wait til you try it and you feel all badass and chefy. Sometimes you can even say “Bam!” and pretend you’re Alton Brown.

Step 5: The Burn

Put the pan in the oven. Leave it there for about 10 minutes or something. I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. If you take it out and you’re thinking to yourself “oh dang this looks too undercooked” you can just put it back in for a bit. If you’re thinking “oh dang this thing just needs a tiny bit more cooking” you can even just wrap the excess tin foil over the fish and just let it sit there and cook a little longer with it’s own heat. Boy howdy, the wonders of tinfoil! Boy, I tell ya what.

Step 6: The Clean Up

Fuck forks. Fuck plates. You pick that fish up with your hands and you wolf it straight down through your mouth hole. If you really want to use a plate and fork then okay, but I’m warning you that you are going to have more things to clean up afterwards and that is NOT what this walkthrough is all about my friends. This is a speed run, not some fucker on GameFAQs trying to tell you how to collect every red coin/health container/magic sword.

Once the fish is off the pan, you’re gonna take that foil and just lift it straight out of the pan. If you’re using a plate like an idiot, you can take the excess juice from the foil and drip it onto your fish and that makes it taste so much better because you’re getting that extra bit of flavor. It’s really good and adds that little extra bit of moisture to the fish which I prefer. Not that I’d know, of course, because I never use a plate. I’m a wolf. A dang wolf, okay?

Then you can fold up the foil, careful not to get the pan dirty, and just throw it in the trash. AND YOU’RE DONE. Holy shit, that’s it? What about the pan? The pan stays clean most of the time, but I usually give it a quick little rinse with hot water just to be safe. But seriously, that’s it. My favorite part is that it’s faster than driving to get any fast food so I spend much less money on food and also did I mention that “Bam!” part? Plus healthiness and calories and blah blah blah whatever.

Oh uhh… this post was about druids, here’s a druid:

Wolfing that fish down. No, no. Bearing that wolf down. No wait. Bworfing that fish down. Yeah.