News Bulletin: IT Companies Around The Globe Forced To Schedule “Dark Days”

Fiscal September will come to a very strange close for many IT companies who collectively announced today that they would go dark in the last week of the month. A spokesperson for IBM gave the following statement, nearly identical to statements given by upwards of ten thousand different companies worldwide:

Unusually, over ninety percent of our techs have requested time off during this week of the year. We typically handle our requests for time off in a simple “first come first serve” manner, but when we began telling our employees that we couldn’t fulfill their requests they began raving and violently thrashing about our offices. We were concerned at first, but when we realized how many of our peers in the industry were experiencing the same thing we realized it would just be best to just let them take the week off.

A spokesperson for Symantec detailed their rationale for the decision:

Honestly, it works out best for our company. Our employees have vacation time that they are entitled to. Going dark for this week, during a relatively slow period of business in the year, allows us to ensure that our staff will be at optimal efficiency going into what is sure to be another very profitable fourth quarter.

EMC Corporation gave the following statement as well:

This event is eerily similar to what we went through during the second week of fiscal December back in 2010, when the majority of our employees all called out sick during the exact same days. We never discovered the exact reasoning behind the mass unavailability of our employees, but considering that it had little to no effect on our business we’re really not too concerned with going dark between September 23 and September 28.

We highly recommend checking any networks that you or your company uses prior to these dates, as finding a support technician will be very difficult during this time. We are doubtful that we’ll learn what is going on behind these strange¬†occurrences, but we’ll be sure to get that information to you if it ever becomes available.

Blizzard Announces Plans To Just Fucking Release A Goddamn Difficulty Slider Already

In a¬†press conference held earlier today, Blizzard President Mike Morhaime announced their latest plans to “just fucking release a goddamn difficulty slider already” for their popular online video game, The World of Warcraft.

We’re tired of this shit. Half of you fuckers are like “this is too easy” and the other half of you are saying “this shit’s too hard” and we’re just standing here looking like a bunch of goddamn assholes because you fuckers can’t make up your minds. We’re tired of it. We’re fucking done with it.

Later that day, the latest patch for the beta version of their next expansion, The Mists of Pandaria, included an early prototype of the difficulty adjustment option.

So we’re gonna test some shit out on the beta where you can pick from ten different difficulties. It’s not enough. We know it’s not, that would just be retarded. You know how many people play this game? I don’t have the numbers here but it’s probably more than the population of the fucking city you live in. You think ten difficulty settings is enough for that many assholes? We’re just gonna test this shit out with ten and then if it works we’re gonna throw in a percentage slider thingy so you can pick from a hundred difficulty settings.

Morhaime explained that they receive fan criticism on a daily basis and that they’re hoping this new system will quell some of the most common complaints directed at raid difficulty.

Not a single one of you fuckers is gonna be able to say shit. You want easy? You got easy. You want hard? You got hard. You want something in between? You got something in between. YOU. CAN’T. SAY. SHIT. FUCKERS.

The Blizzard president went on to explain that each level of difficulty would result in players being able to obtain progressively better levels of gear. For example, difficulty level 5 would drop items of level 485, difficulty 15 would drop 495, difficulty 40 would drop 520, and so on and so forth.

That oughta keep you twats busy. And you know what? We’re gonna make level 100 so goddamn impossible that not a single one of you sponsored fuckers is gonna be able to beat it. Actually, check this shit out: if you can beat level 100 then you get to be Blizzard president. What? Yeah, I just fucking did that. Come at me.

When asked if Blizzard had any plans to change the “Raid Finder” version introduced in their previous expansion, Morhaime responded:

LFR is a bag of dicks. And if you’re doing nothing but LFR… well, quite frankly, a bag of dicks is where you belong. We’re just gonna take out the item level restrictions and the “once a week” loot limit and make it a shitty cesspit where you go to drown in buckets of green quality gear and semen. We’re hoping this will result in making the system as big a bag of dicks as we originally intended it to be.