I Have Discovered The Perfect Healthy Food For People That Are Trying To Stop Being Unhealthy But Also Don’t Want To Put Effort Into Cooking & Cleaning Up

Two words motherfuckers: Baked. Fish.

Step 1: The Tools

Get a baking pan or tray and some tinfoil. There are your supplies. THAT’S IT. I have maybe attached a picture of the pan that I use below or maybe just one like it, it doesn’t matter.

I use a brand called omg who the fuck cares just get some fucking pan.

If you’re slightly more civilized, you could maybe get a spatula or something, but seriously that shit doesn’t matter. You have hands and those are damn good enough.

Step 2: The Fish

Fish is A) good for you, B) delicious, and C) easy to manipulate into being whatever you want it to be because it’s your bitch.

My favorite fish is salmon. Here’s a picture of it just because I want to put more pictures in this post:

That green stuff on top is bullshit. You don’t need that.

It has a nice flavor to it, HOWEVER I understand that some people do not like this flavor. In those cases I would like to propose that you try this super cheap to buy fish called Tilapia:

This looks so ballin’.

Tilapia is what I would call a “boring loser fish” because it has such little flavor. Sometimes that’s a good thing because it means you can get more creative and add some badass flavors that you would never even dream of adding to other fish. I’ll get to that later.

Anyways, those are my two favorites, you can also experiment with other fish. I’m gonna pretend like I’m a super fish expert right now by just listing a bunch of different fish names I’ve heard and that I don’t know anything about: Trout, Swordfish, Mackerel, Fillet Mignon, Tuna, Walter, Shark, and Dolphin.

Step 3: The Flavor (aka The Flava)

This part is hella fun and makes you feel like you’re a real professional chef. Just go buy some cool looking seasonings, spices, and sauces. Oh hey, let’s call them The Three S’s. The most important thing here is to buy stuff that you think you would like and then to just play around with it. Some of the basic flavors that I would recommend are Lemon Pepper, Non-Lemon Pepper (aka Pepper), Soy Sauce, Teriyaki Sauce, Herbs de Provence, and Basil. There’s tons more, but that’s just the stuff I like to personally always keep. As far as more unique flavors go, here are some specific brands of S’s that I really like. But for the love of god, please don’t try and mix ten different flavors together like you’re some kind of seven-year old at a soda fountain.

Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning – This stuff is so good. I prefer to get the lower sodium version because it’s healthier.

EVERYTHING.

DaKine Hawaiian Da Rub – I got the”smokey” one and it has a real nice combination of coffee flavor and barbecue smokiness. Ignore the stupid name.

Sexy seasonings modeling on the beach. Hot stuff.

Huli Huli Sauce – Imagine if Soy Sauce was sweet instead of salty. Did I just blow your mind?

[Insert Another Joke]

Bronco Bob’s Roasted Raspberry Chipotle Sauce – The back of the bottle recommends using this with Salmon, but I did not like the way it tasted. On Tilapia it was great though. I wouldn’t really recommend mixing this with other stuff since it’s got such a unique flavor on it’s own.

Also it’s from Texas so bonus points for that.

Step 4: The Mix

So put the tinfoil on the pan. Make sure it creeps up onto the walls of the pan and covers all of the bottom. This is to ensure that you have to do as little work as possible when this is all over. Oh, you should probably preheat the oven when you start this part so that it’s ready to go when you’re done. Just make it somewhere between 350 and 400 degrees fahrenheit. Some people will tell you that it matters but they are wrong because it doesn’t fucking matter.

Slap the fish onto the pan (you may have to defrost it first if you keep it in the freezer like I do). I usually make two at a time, side by side. That way I can eat one and then save the other one for lunch the next day or something.

Slap whichever of The Three S’s you decided on, onto the fish. This is the part where you’re actually doing something chef-like. It’s so much fun I can’t even tell you how fun it is. Just wait til you try it and you feel all badass and chefy. Sometimes you can even say “Bam!” and pretend you’re Alton Brown.

Step 5: The Burn

Put the pan in the oven. Leave it there for about 10 minutes or something. I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. If you take it out and you’re thinking to yourself “oh dang this looks too undercooked” you can just put it back in for a bit. If you’re thinking “oh dang this thing just needs a tiny bit more cooking” you can even just wrap the excess tin foil over the fish and just let it sit there and cook a little longer with it’s own heat. Boy howdy, the wonders of tinfoil! Boy, I tell ya what.

Step 6: The Clean Up

Fuck forks. Fuck plates. You pick that fish up with your hands and you wolf it straight down through your mouth hole. If you really want to use a plate and fork then okay, but I’m warning you that you are going to have more things to clean up afterwards and that is NOT what this walkthrough is all about my friends. This is a speed run, not some fucker on GameFAQs trying to tell you how to collect every red coin/health container/magic sword.

Once the fish is off the pan, you’re gonna take that foil and just lift it straight out of the pan. If you’re using a plate like an idiot, you can take the excess juice from the foil and drip it onto your fish and that makes it taste so much better because you’re getting that extra bit of flavor. It’s really good and adds that little extra bit of moisture to the fish which I prefer. Not that I’d know, of course, because I never use a plate. I’m a wolf. A dang wolf, okay?

Then you can fold up the foil, careful not to get the pan dirty, and just throw it in the trash. AND YOU’RE DONE. Holy shit, that’s it? What about the pan? The pan stays clean most of the time, but I usually give it a quick little rinse with hot water just to be safe. But seriously, that’s it. My favorite part is that it’s faster than driving to get any fast food so I spend much less money on food and also did I mention that “Bam!” part? Plus healthiness and calories and blah blah blah whatever.

Oh uhh… this post was about druids, here’s a druid:

Wolfing that fish down. No, no. Bearing that wolf down. No wait. Bworfing that fish down. Yeah.

7 responses to “I Have Discovered The Perfect Healthy Food For People That Are Trying To Stop Being Unhealthy But Also Don’t Want To Put Effort Into Cooking & Cleaning Up

  1. That was the most awesome recipe post ever. Lol- I was cracking up the whole read.

    Another great seasoning is the Greek Seasoning blend in the canister and it’s also great for fish.

  2. aldous, you’ve got to try the ‘super secret, extra-special DRUID’ fish recipe~~~!
    Take caesar croutons, crush them up, put aside, dip the fish in an egg dip ( 1 egg beaten , 12 DPS ), take fish (haddock, talipia, cod or other white fish) cover in crushed croutons.
    Add to your awesome pan, mentioned above, bake for 15 min.
    Eat.

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